Got crap in the head!

Buddle funkers. I really want to be better. I feel like I used to be so compassionate and caring, always willing to do whatever someone needed without any thought. Now I question and think things through....I want that innocent girl back. I've lost my innocence. I miss it so badly. I don't want to be ruthless or blockheaded. I just care sooo much about certain people that when their actions are damaging to themselves, it hurts me on a very deep level. I want to step in and make everything pretty.. I can't tell you how much I have given up to fulfill that role. I want to heal and help but I become to emotionally involved and destroy it all. I'm trying sooo hard to find that balance and hate myself for how many mistakes I'm making in the process. I'm an emotional catastrophe.
I can say sorry a million times but it doesn't mean a thing until I actually start changing. One change I have made though is one I'm very proud of. I've given myself a curfew. Its weird. I've never had a curfew before. Not ever. But I really need some control and boundaries in my life right now and decided that I can't trust myself in every area of my life, and I do mean every. So I can resort back to a normal person's childhood and install the curfew.
I think my mind becomes this short due to lack of sleep and constantly on the go...not to mention way too much thinking. I need a vacation from myself..... I hate the things that get to me...get inside my heart to tear it to shreds and infest my mind........blah........

I need a reboot.

So I was planning on never writing in this again but yea....

So I thought it wouldn't matter, but it does. I thought I could look you in the eye, be with you and it'd all just work out....but its just not that easy. You mean more to me than I can even imagine and I lost you...i've lost a lot of people......and no matter what a prophecy tells me, I still feel like nothing. I still feel cast down and uncared for, rejected......


This is meant for honesty....so there it is......

(Don't assume who "you" is because you would be sorely mistaken.)




I really need to change my thinking where I don't fall back to it, where I don't feel so uncared for.....I need His promises and love with me constantly and instead of just saying, I need to act....maybe if I tell myself that enough times, I'll start doing it. I pray I start doing it. Things need to change. I pray for the strength to do it..

Hiding

Many of us enter a period of hiding. We hide to escape. We hide to create something, whether it is a new us, or something in our lives. We hide to heal. Sometimes we don't even realize that we're hiding, we just are. That is until we realize what we're doing and why we're covering ourselves up so thoroughly. I feel like I may be hiding. But then, maybe i'm not. I honestly don't know, though if the faint notion exists that I am, i suppose I am. Bad notions are entering my mind. I want to do things that I've always been so strong to resist. This isn't an "its happening around me and i want to join in" thing, but more like planning for when I return, desires just building and building......... I've been having intimate time with God lately and I think that because of that, evil is trying to plant his seeds within me....to take me away from the whispers of my Father. I have soooo may good plans.....and so many bad ones. I pray that He will sustain my life and give me wisdom where it is seemingly waning.
I have changed a lot since I left school. This summer is really molding me into something new. In all honesty I don't want to return. I don't want to go back. I want to stay. I love where I work, my co-workers, my bests. I'm being forced to grow up and accept responsibility like never before. I'm being challenged and pushed to succeed and i'm thriving from it. I'm in the midst of such interesting people that I want to know on much deeper levels. Some of them talk about how they don't believe in a God and in breaks my heart. I really wish I could be in two places at once. Does oswego even need me anymore? Did it ever? I should finish my schooling, and I want oh so much to be with BASIC, but what if its not right for me to come back? Maybe I'm just a little off and I really didn't want to put any of these things out there, but they've been circling my head for a long time. Next year will prove to be very difficult. Brian's coming to Oswego. I feel like my safe haven is gone. I'll never escape what I have to live with. I don't know what to do. I'm fine but sometimes i'm oh so not fine. There have been some very bad, serious fights of late too....... man oh man, a lot of bad happening. There's a lot more, but i'm tired of all this, so yeah. I'm trying to trust Him with everything I have and to follow Him no matter what. But then, in the words of Yoda, "do or do not, there is no try." So I guess I just gotta do.

Who is to say whats right?

There is a question of being loyal and deciding that some things are best left. It may not be in one's nature to completely move on and live a different life, but when one finds that every time they are around certain people they are beat up, pushed down, or highly discouraged, it makes one think that it is just better all around to not come back. Sure we all want to help those in need, to be that spotlight in their dark, cold world, but what is dying inside of us if we remain among such thorns that won't do anything to help the garden grow? Do we reside near them to be choked and scratched, clinging desperately to the daylight hoping that the thorns will grow softer? How much blood must we lose before we realize that it is better to just move on? Maybe the fight is not truly a fight though. Maybe we are meant to remain, bruised, bloodied, and beaten, crawling across the floor, sliding along on our own tears. Maybe by the end of the crawl the thorns will realize what exactly they did and how if they do not grow, their murderous ways will only kill everyone they care about. That is, if they truly do care.
We all have the potential to be thorns. To scratch and wound those we care about. We are in close proximity to so many people that we must learn to have compassion and to be understanding no matter how hurt we are by that person or even how jealous we are of them. Just like we can all be thorns we also have the potential to be beautiful flowers, uplifting and encouraging people always. People should want to be in our gardens. Let's not chase them away by meaningless things, no matter how punctured you feel.

Brrrr!!!! I am sooooo cold!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight was very good, very good indeed. The prayer walk went well. It was only my brother, me and Jillian, but I feel like it was that way for a reason. The three of us prayed and talked for a long while as we waked a very gorgeous park. It was so peaceful and calm. I could not have asked for a better place to pray. We're planning on some trips to the Watkins Glen Gorge, Buttermilk Falls, white river rafting, and bonfires!!! I hope most of those plans work out. I'm really trying to unite the Christians around here so that we can be one force and then work on reaching out from there. I feel like we all really need each other and only a few of them realize this, which saddens me a tad. I don't think two of my friends are that interested, but Jillian, Steph, and Victoria are with me all the way, so thats a blessing. The prayer walk was soooooooooo good for my Tommy. It was good to get him out and uncomfortable, praying with a fellow believer. Before we went in our house, after talking the whole way back, we sat in the car and he told me about everything going on in his heart and all the pain he's holding inside. He's where I was at years ago, holding everything inside, shoving down all the emotions to create a protective barrier against those closest to you. Its a horrid place to be and ostracizes you so much. He told me about how much he dislikes himself and how he always focuses on all his failures. I was able to share and talk with him and he said he'll pray about everything I said. Before we left though, I prayed with him, letting everything God placed in my mouth come out and by the time I was finished, my poor tommy was crying. I'm beginning to think that i'm home for more than just my best friends. It kills me to think of all the pain he's holding inside of him. :( My poor brother. I'm praying he allows God's healing into his heart and that he lets go of all the negative things he's been holding on to.
Thats where Tom's at, and Brian?...... He keeps making fun of me about prayer walks and is putting me down continually. He's trying to turn the rest of my family against me and is even making fun of it to my friends who have been on the prayer walk. He thinks i'm in some sort of occult thing and that he doesn't believe in the power of God and people hearing or seeing things from Him. He breaks my heart and angers me so. I know he is hurting, but he disrespects and makes fun of God so much. Its all I can do not to get mad and yell at him. I'm forced to hold my tongue a lot and pray against the discouragement he is shoving on me. Ugh.
Besides that, i'm very excited for this summer. God has big plans and I'm just begging to be used by Him. I'm going to talk to my assistant pastor and see if I can get more involved in the church. I can't let it fan out. This passion that's burning needs some fuel or i'll go crazy!

I'm a dumb.

I've made a lot of mistakes. I feel so stupid and to fix the mistakes I want to do something dangerous. Oh so dangerous. It'd be the dumbest mistake of all. Even giving life to it has made me feel dumb. But its plumply sitting there begging me on........I pray that I'll resist this temptation. That I won't fall. That I won't get burned again. That it won't make me feel better and that I let God be the only one to lift me up and out.

I will lift my eyes.
Get thee behind me Satan.


I wish I could write down everything that has happened in this situation, but I can't or you'll all see my stupidity... and want me to do something I don't want to do........


....and with that...pray for my protection. Please.

hmmmmmmm.

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON. DANGER DANGER KDEE LUKE!!!

So I was reading in Colossians 1 and it said that the gospel has been preached to all creatures under heaven. This made me think that animals must witness to each other and go to heaven! I believe animals go to heaven. The animals can show fruits too: whether they are kind and gentle, or mean and hurtful. Maybe they go around witnessing to other animals. Like Tiger could witness to the cats in the neighborhood! I think its a cool thought and to me is biblical. :)


I'm trying not to be disappointed with some of my christian friends. It seems that the ones who have been a christian their whole lives are not to fond of prayer walking because its weird, uncomfortable, and they don't understand it, while the new believers are crazy exited with it. Steph loved it and is looking forward to the next one. Today we were talking about the power of prayer over coffee and her first experience with the Holy Spirit! It was amazing!!! I love that girl. I'm so thankful for what God is doing in her life and am soooo proud of her. She is pumped for the BASIC conference. :) Wowsers!

God is AMAZING!

I should be checking my grades like everyone else right now...but I don't want that to rain on my good day parade...so that can wait!!!!


I'm having a prayer walk in Horseheads tonight!!! I'm so excited and people are coming that i haven't talked to in years. I'm following what He has pressed on my heart and already i'm surprised and blessed beyond belief and it hasn't even happened yet!!! Wow!!! I'm praying it will be a weekly thing and will expand to even more than that. I'm going to announce it to my church Sunday. I am aiming to shake things up in that church. Its become complacent and has fallen into a stage of comfortableness. Not going to happen in my church baby!! I'm going to pray about it, then i'm going to talk to Pastor Bob and tell him some undergoings in the church and am going to propose the idea of sending our juniors, seniors, and college kids to the BASIC conference next semester. Its time for things to change and i'm going to be at the forefront pushing it. I had an amazing talk with my mentor today and we're on the same page. I got the happy chance of encouraging her in God too. It seems old temptations have come up with her son being charged with gang assault and possession of drugs. So she's having a hard time and needs a lot of prayer. I'm going to encourage her and watch her granddaughter whenever I can and want to meet with her periodically this summer. I've gone from sitting around to incredibly busy with the spirit pressing on my heart so strongly. Its not just about wanting to change things anymore, its about NEEDING to change things or i'll go crazy!!

Please pray that the prayer walks go well! My best friend is coming tonight and i'm praying that it'll shake her world!!! wowsers! I also am trying to stand firm against the enemy with every breath within me by holding onto His loving arms. I have no strength on my own, but this Father of mine is a pretty powerful guy, so I think I'm good. ;) YAY for Jesus!

My knees hurt like my heart.

My heart is feeling a lot like my knees right now, worn and swollen, stuck to keep going and to just deal even when they want to sit down and rest.....

Seems like i'm putting much more money into this apartment thing then I'll be saving...but i'm sure it just feels that way now........I have faith that by the end of next year I will be sooo happy that we did it. :)

I love my best friends soooo much. I feel like our relationships are at a weird place right now, though. Emily doesn't confide in me like she used to...though I just got back, so i'm sure we'll bounce back. She's changed so much. She's not the jimmy i've known and loved for years. I'm the one friend thats stuck by her no matter what and it seems that its always me going out of my way for her and only hanging out with her when its convenient for her. Blah. Oh wells. I'm hoping that our relationship will return and that we can talk about God like we used to. I'm really praying that this summer she comes to God, that she falls completely into His waiting arms. Its time to step up and gather some believers that live around and pray our hearts out. My heart hurts too much holding it in.

Steph. Boy do I love that girl. If there's is one friend who has stuck by me and has been willing to kick butt to just protect my name, its her. This summer she moved into an apartment with her boyfriend. She gave her life to Christ but I see her slipping away. I'm crying even now thinking about it. I hurt so badly for her and feel like I'm failing her. I've told her a thousand times what the Bible says, and though its something that needs to be convicted of from the heart, I can't understand why she won't listen. She knows its wrong and feels guilty about it, and I can understand having a hard time stopping certain things after doing certain things for so long, but to move in where there is an absolute guarantee that those things won't stop? Its......i can't even describe it with words. I just cry. I'm going to step up my prayer with her too. Man, so much healing is needed.

My brother is also getting to that bad place again..........very worrisome.........

God, I see the hurt around me, so evident and clear. I see all the tears that are falling, so broken and filled with fear. I want to see them lifting up your name, letting go of all their shame. I want to fight for you in their lives. I want to see them break free from the devil's lies. Oh God, hear our cry. You gave your son to die. Let them come to you this summer. Wash them clean to live for you forever. Amen.

Bo bo little sheep meep!

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
Usually when I come home, I can settle into a nice routine and relax. I don't ever get bored and I am very at ease. This time, not so much. My heart is constantly not at ease. I want to do something for my community for the friends around me. Its only been three days and i'm going crazy at the idea of not changing things and just being complacent. So many people around me need God so badly. I want to see Emily and Steph living for God with everything they have within them. I want to see my church growing every week. I want to see peace come into my home. I prayed tonight with my mom and it was so good. That woman has a passion within her for Him that many people underestimate. She is such an amazing woman and it felt good to pray with her. I want to have my old Brian back. It breaks my heart at what he's become and it is very hard not to severely dislike the boys at church for playing such a negative role in his life. Argh. I have sooo much I want to do and i'm praying hard core against laziness. I don't want to stop longing for Him with my every breath. I want Him to be in every aspect of my thinking. He has unlocked something within me and I want to see what it will become. There is soooo much to do and I need to start doing it! I already sent out an email to one of my friends and i'm planning on starting a Bible study in my home with em, steph, and some others every week. Surrounding them with Christians may be the best thing for them to grow and connect with Him. I also want to start prayer walking around Horseheads! I'm a little scared, but I want to try to involve my church. I just can't sit any longer and not try to change things! I wish I could describe what's going on inside of me right now, but its too difficult!!! Ah!

Oh my Jim.

I was stalking my Jims and got incredibly sad. She has definitely become a party girl. I feel like I put so much into the relationship and am always going out of my way to hang out. She's never made a birthday party or actually any party in fact unless it was a drop by for food then running out with other people. I love her though. She is my best friend, but sometimes its a little hard not to be sad. I'm not someone who gives up on people. When it comes to friendship, I'm about as loyal as you can get. I'll never walk out of the relationship no matter how horrible i'm treated. Thats just me. I don't ever expect anything from people. I just don't cuz then I don't have to worry about disappointment. I'm not sure why I went on a rant but there it is. She was soooo close to being saved and then she gets sooo far then displays interest in God again, then goes crazy. I want her saved so badly it just makes me cry. :(
My main mission this summer is again for Steph and Em. I feel called to stay home with them. They need Him so badly and are so close. Its driving me insane!!! Ugh. Thats a common theme though. I lost someone else who was so close and it really affects me. Every time I see him I hurt so bad and just want to cry. I miss him. Not because I liked him, because honestly I didn't at all, but we were getting so close. He was becoming a very dear friend, someone I could really confide in and lean on and he felt the same way. He was just a dumb boy who should have left his feelings at the doorstep. I know thats not fair, but it just complicated things. I'm not proud of how I let him go and what I let come between us and who I chose over him, making me lose him. All of it makes me so, so sad, especially when I see that he's moved on. I guess I didn't mean that much to him and its a one sided feeling of loss. :( I've been thinking about writing him a facebook message but feel like its too late. Too late. Too late. It makes me want to cry. Oh well. I guess we all lose friends.

Well.....I've pretty much fallen in love..............with Jason Derulo's "The sky is the limit." Yeah. Good stuff.

Bye Bye Bullet!

I thank You Lord that You are good and faithful; for Your overwhelming amount of patience and love. I thank You for being You. :D

This conference was amazing. It was so different from the other ones and I honestly feel like I grew a lot from it and not in the, I see what I've done wrong and what not sort of way, but a new understanding of some of the things in my life. Friday night's message was so good. When Chris talked about the girl who was abused and needed to forgive herself for believing the words, I broke. That was me. I was that girl. I had forgiven dad for everything, I had thought that it was all taken care of, neatly packaged, and stored away. I thought that I was healed and fine, but I wasn't. A bullet still remained in my heart. This piece of shrapnel was poisoning me slowly from within. I never have forgiven myself for believing in the horrid words and whenever things were going wrong or were growing difficult, I reverted back to all the old phrases. I wasn't healed by a long shot. How can I put armor on a body that is bleeding and dying from the inside? I was in a mindset that I would never fully heal from what had happened to me, that it was a part of me and made me who I was. Boy was that a stinkin lie from the devil! Being abused does not make me who I am. God made me who I am. He designed the parts of my life and I was not meant to be in pain and terrible sadness due to circumstances beyond my control. It was not apart of my life. It is not me. It does not make me. I broke at this realization and went up front where two lovely women of God prayed for me. For the first time in my life I feel completely free. The poison is leaving me and I am embracing His truth and understanding that the awful parts in life do not make us who were are. My God makes me who I am. Understanding that, I also now understand what has been going on with me lately. I was being poisoned continually. Every time something happened that reminded me of my past I would be thrown into memories of the past and would let it berate me. I was so broken and in my brokenness I turned to things that I thought would bring me comfort, to things that I thought would ease the lack of love in my life. It was all a lie though. God made me, loves me, and has a special plan for me.
The first night of the conference, He also reminded me of the words spoken over me to be a prayer warrior. I stood at the back during worship, a place where I've never been drawn to before, and just prayed. I couldn't even sing, I just prayed for everything and everyone with an intensity that brought His spirit flowing around me. He told me that this is something that I needed to do everyday and that it is time to rise up as a prayer warrior and take the task seriously. I've already started and I'm excited to keep up and pray that I don't miss a day of this precious mission. :D
I was also prayed over for the Holy Spirit and though I didn't speak in tongues, which disappointed me, God is unlocking something else inside me. Since friday night when I was prayed over, whenever the Spirit comes on me (it even happened today during prayer) my body shakes like crazy. I feel something in my heart of hearts building. I think its incredibly weird, but i'm excited to find out whats going on and what His plan is.

Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. That you Holy Spirit. Lets start a revolution! ;)

Falling Falling Boom.

I’m so sick. What is wrong with me? I’m so sick over everything and feel so horrible, to the point where I want darkness to overtake me. I can’t believe how far I have fallen. How low I have become. I’m dying inside. Dying. The ailments overtaking me internally are becoming physical. I’m not worth it and am only hurting those I love. How could I have become this. I’m soooo sorry for all I’ve done. I’m feeling so rejected and alone. So alone that it hurts. I cry myself to sleep and pretend I’m going to make it. Its how I’m living. Its sooo wrong. I know His truth. His salvation is breathed into me. Why can’t I listen? Why can’t I just put on that helmet of salvation and tune out everything being thrown at me, reducing me to finding a false sense of love and belonging? I’m dumb. I just want love. I just want my Daddy. Pull me out and heal me. Please Lord.

How beautiful

It is so gorgeous out today! I took a long walk around campus and then out to the breakwall. It was amazing though I wouldn't suggest going out on the breakwall for another few weeks. There is still a lot of pack ice, the water is way too high, and the wind was too strong for me. I got kinda scared and turned back not too far out, plus I couldn't really see where the cracks between the ice were with the pack ice. Anyways, it was so wonderful spending time with God. When I hurt my knee, I really allowed satan to take so much of me. This semester i've been trying to get back to who I was before everything happened and today I realized just how dumb that is. Why am I trying to be who I was? Sure there are some things that were not existent but I have grown and changed so much since then in many other ways. I have overcome a lot and even though I am still haunted by memories of the past and my insecurities still come out quite often because of certain comments, I need to move forward and become who I am meant to be, not who I was. Its not about being going back but about being made new. I want to continually be renewed and transformed, not to revert back to what made sense and worked at that time. Everything happens for a reason. I'm embracing Him and His plan. I'm sick of being insecure and shying back because of what I let into my life. Its time to wake up and move away from the deeds of darkness. The night is almost over; the day is coming. (Romans 13:12) There is strength in His very breath. I want to breathe Him in everyday. No more being scared, I'm ready for anything He wants to unlock in me.

I thank God for Pastor Swanson

Pastor Swanson is amazing and his words always encourage me. I feel like I hear him or find something about him when I need it most. Be encouraged:

"Over the last weeks I spent time with several people in these communities - I heard their stories, asked them spiritual questions and shepherded them. I began acting like I was here because God sent me 'for such a time as this' (Esther 4:14).
All around us

• there are lost people who need a Savior
• there are children who need to know that someone loves them
• there are couples who need to know about forgiveness and love
• there is confusion about what it means to be a Christian
• there a people who are being lied to by the evil one and they have no joy
• there is the need for a Godly church to rise up and be a light to a community
• there is an opportunity for souls to find hope here on earth and for eternity
• there is a chance for believers to step out of their comfort and into God's plan" (We need this heart for Oswego!)

"Here is what we can take away from this snapshot of Jesus' life:

1. If Jesus and his disciples were figuring out God's will as they went we should not be shocked that we are too;
2. More than anything else Jesus wanted his disciples to hear him and care about what he cared about;
3. Jesus did not want to do what the Father was asking him to do, but he was willing. We will run into the same situation many, many times."

This part touched me!!! -
"That sermon was easier to preach than it is to live. I know that I struggle with the desire to know what, when, where and how life is going to unfold. Probably my greatest struggle right now is that I do not want to accept what is acceptable as a pastor, as a father, as a husband, as a Christian. It seems so easy to be lulled into a sameness and a deadness of faith and expectation.

I want a keen sense that I am not just going through the motions, or accepting less than God's best in ministry, in my family, in me. Please pray for me in this regard. In particular -

1. I want a burning passion for people who are lost without Jesus Christ (I want to be willing to be a fool for Christ - 1 Corinthians 1:25-29);
2. I want to live a life of purpose and power (no compromises or backward thinking - 2 Timothy 2:7);
3. I want everything I do and say to draw people to God the Father through Jesus Christ (no wasted words or emotions, just what will lead others to Christ - Colossians 3:17, 23-24)."

"The moment I realized what was in my heart I confessed it to God and asked Him for His picture again. I simply cannot accept just filling a place or position. There is too much at stake, too many broken lives, too much eternity . . . it does not matter what anyone else expects, it matters what God has given me to do.
Thanks for praying. God is challenging me to grow so that we can grow. I cannot lead where I have not been."

I posted this so I would always have it and because these are my prayers too! Its good to unite in heartfelt prayers for change. No matter where we are in life we are still connected.

Its in the trees.

I had such a heavy oppressive spirit come over me tonight. It slammed into me, leaving me in utter sadness. Taking a walk, I hoped to clear it and understand what had happened. I suppose I was not meant to. Walking around the campus, my eyes were opened to nature in a way that they never have been before. Usually I see things in nature, messages of whats going on or visions of things to come, but tonight I saw life in the trees. Not life as in the essence of Christ, or the meaning, or any of that jazz, but actual life. I felt each tree had its own life force, its own personality and identity. One group of trees were leaning forward as if in earnest expectation for the Lord. Another group were not waiting in expectation, but were building up their forces, preparing themselves in strength for The Coming. Still another group were the comforters, not interested in fighting, but rather there for their fellow man, ready to lend a hand when needed. It made me wonder which group each of us fell in.
All this reminded me of the verse in the Bible where it talks about nature waiting in anticipation for Jesus to come back. Never before have I sensed such things in nature. I mean I have seen visions where trees or other things did have emotions and such, but these trees tonight were like people. I felt strengthened by them and truly believe that they are soldiers, ready to fight alongside us. This excites me so much. Each tree had this steady, quiet strength and a steady determination. We need to be more like the trees. They're preparing themselves; I can feel them rising up, ready for what is coming. Its hard for them to continue to remain quiet. As I walked around campus, I felt such security and encouragement from them.
I'm not sure what any of this means, but the trees on this campus have become extremely important. I pray that God will reveal the meaning behind everything soon, but for now I feel encouraged, in awe, and needed to write everything out and this seemed a good place to do it.
Speak and I will listen; show and I will see.....I await You in eager expectation.

Hobo Nails

I came into this semester thinking that I was ready for a relationship with someone. I don't care if that sounds stupid, but I really wanted someone who could love and be there for me. Now I'm embracing singleness. Like I am really excited and though I may get lonely from time to time, I'm looking forward to a very long period of being single. Its always just been me and God, but I'm a different person than I was and this new person wants to explore and develop in God alone. I'm not saying this based on the fact that no one wants a relationship with me anyways, but that I really am feeling pressed to just draw into God and on God alone. So yeahers!
Church last Sunday really affected me. I was actually quite hurt and started crying during the service. As a child I learned that I could depend on no one; that trusting people was dangerous, emotionally and physically. I had to keep distance in order to survive. I've been so scarred and bruised that sometimes I feel like a lump of mesh squished across the floor, continually being squashed and splattered. I really need someone to love me. Not in the couple/relationship sense, but in a mentor sense. I need someone who cares about whats going on in my life; who won't yell at me or continually put me down or find fault. I need love so badly it hurts. When the pastor mentioned how Christians need to mentor someone and be mentored, I just broke inside. Not many people, and none up here, have cared enough about me to do that. I'm not talking about friends, but an older person to just love on me. I have such a broken home. Not only did the realization that I had no one overwhelm and break me, but memories from my past have been assaulting me so much lately.
The past is in the past, sure, and I should just get over it, but thats a little hard to do when I'm still living in the same situation. Maybe some members have started treating me decently most of the time, but there is so much stress and oppression there that it wears on me so much and I can't leave. I feel called to be home and have had confirmation that home is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I'm needed there and have a mission. I want to see my family restored so badly! They need His love as surely as I do! I need His strength to survive. If anything I am learning that the closer I draw to Him, the weaker I become. But then the weaker I become, the more His strength pours into me. I guess thats not a bad trade off.

"God, I crave Your touch and Your love. I hunger for Your presence, for Your arms around me. You are so good and merciful. I don't deserve You and thats the beauty of it all. Love is all I have to offer you God. Use me, even though I am so flawed. Take me, even though I am so broken. I am utterly in love with you Father. Here I am, send me."

Lonely Guitars

I don't think you ever stop missing certain people. Whether they have been gone four years or ten, time is insignificant. Their absence still hurts; you still cry and you remember the best of times you had with them. A moment in life is everlasting when it strikes you in the heart, no matter how short or if it was prolonged. I'll never be the same. So many days have changed me for eternity.............a long dirt road and an ambulance.............a snowboard.............a hospital bed......the last kiss of a life... a final goodbye. Cold so chilling and deep that it freezes the heart making it ever so fragile. This is life.

"At the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all......I want to be in Your arms...


I'm dying from me....."

Adam

I read the most amazing book talk today. It really just touched my heart. I've never highlighted a book for fun before, but today I did! I made my mark like it made its mark on me! Ted Dekker and his friend-author-man were talking about demons and how they affect our lives. They are very real things and seek to destroy us. Since Satan does not have the power to defeat God, he goes after His beloved to hurt Him deeply. Satan attacks us and sics his demons after us to hurt God right where it hurts. God loves us so much and is continually wooing us with this awesome, pure love. With all that spiritual warfare going on, no wonder why we have problems. Everything is part of a larger picture and I think we forget that sometimes. God has His heart set on people to do His will; it just makes sense that satan would attack those people in particular. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Another point they brought up was how everyone focuses on the spiritual warfare part when that is not the main point to anything. We are on this Earth for God, our Lover. We are in a love story guys, not a war. Are main focus is pleasing God and doing what brings Him joy and He wants to see us happy. He continually gives us gifts and wraps us in strong arms, always declaring His love. The warfare part is just a side effect of life. It happens because of this love. Yes, we are in a war. Yes, it is dangerous and we need to be on our guard always. But we are IN LOVE. Like in any movie, the whole story is focused on the love story portion and how they would move Earth just to be with each other. Thats what life is about. Our Lover and His beloved. Love. Love conquers all. We can use any weapon at our disposal but what matter most is the love we pour out in life. Everything is already conquered. Its been that way since the beginning. God conquered evil and mankind. Our task is to simply let people know that, to tell them that its been won. They've been won and there is a Lover like none ever awaiting them with arms spread wide. God is passionate and its about time we met Him with that same passion!
With everything that happens we need to look at the fruit of it. Fruit isn't always the healthy, tasteful food. There is bad fruit. When we come across this, it is demons in our lives. If we look at the fruit of each situation, each thought, we quickly discover whose hands are in it. If the fruit is of love, patience, joy, and such then of course it is of God. If its destruction, jealousy, hate, fear, oppression, or anything of that such then it is of the demons trying to take His beloved away from Him. Bad fruits are not of God nor just from a bad day. I mean we all have our bad days, but if there is some thought that is constantly on your mind or is bothering you deeply, then you just might have a demon's claw stuck in your back. They love whispering their destructive thoughts into your own. They want to trick us into a state of ignorance, passivity, or fear. God is our light and the only force that can expel this darkness from us. To fight back, to get out,we need to CRY out to the Light! That light will come forth and lead us from the darkness. As long as we are walking in the Light it cannot touch us!
Personally, i'm sick of the bad fruits in my life. Looking at certain emotions and thoughts I realize that they are bad fruit and know that it is not my fruit that is bothering me...its belongs to something much more sinister and destructive. We're not meant for destruction but restoration. I want to rest in my Lover's arms. I want to bask in His whispers of love. I want my Lover. And He wants His beloved. Sounds like a perfect match to me.

What lies inside..?

There is an undeniable darkness within all of us. A force created from the dark moments in our lives. It lies in wait, ever desiring to come out and take over. Can such a force ever be eliminated? Is the Light of God all consuming enough to remove it from our programming? Sometimes I fear this dark fate. What stops it from coming out? When our walk is good, our light is good. When our walk wavers...the dark comes out to play. What if the darkness never stops playing? What if it takes us over completely? There is so much within our minds that we cannot fathom. It is simply an impossible task. Today this darkness has been hinting at me, reminding me of all the times I was forced to watch pure evil, to stare into its ugly face and remain silent. The hatred that built within my heart as each hit, each cursed word fell. Poison runs through my veins and I want to cut it out at some points. However, I do trust in the love of my Lover. He will rescue me without fail for His light is relieving, encompassing, and real. Focusing on that light will I ever break through this dark veil, this nightmare that always appears within my mind's eye. God, keep the demons away.

Blub

God is strong and God is loving. I read that in a Psalm the other day and it really touched me. Usually descriptions of God have all these other meanings or they go on and on but this was just so simplistic. Just these two things and its all there really needs to be. He is strong enough to save us and is loving enough to continually take us back. It also makes me think about how we are supposed to treat each other. We need to be strong and bear one another's burdens and we need to be loving, always caring and always ready to forgive no matter what. So simple but so important and special. I know I need to act more loving in my life. I can really be an awful person and lately it has been wearing on me. What kind of person will not talk to certian people because they are not pretty, or they're too big, or they're geeky? I'm a jerk and feel horrible about it. I've never laid it out so plainly before and if its offensive, i'm sorry, i'm still growing and trying to be better. I want to change that. I really do and am planning on it. Its not right and is in fact quite horrible. I'm also realizing that i'm not as strong as I make myself out to be. By saying death is just a part of life and that i'm used to it, distances me from the raw horrid fact of what it is. It places me apart so i don't have to relive certain family members' deaths all over again. It keeps the pain away. I suppose its not right and makes me out to be callous. I guess in my fight to maintain some sort of control and to break away from the pain of loss I have been playing an out of sight, out of mind thing. I could never express the pain of not having certain family members around me. It hurts. All of those horrid memories are coming back because two more members are starting to check out death's door. They're in no way close to it, but i'm scared. I don't mean to be, but I am. My uncle is so filled of youth and strength. I can't even bear the thought of losing him. If there was ever someone I looked up to it was him, second only to Jesus. I've always admired my uncle so much. He does know God though and i'm just jumping the crow's nest. He might not have cancer and if he does, it might be early enough to take care of it. My grandma is another story. Usually she bounces back when she's sick, but lately she hasn't been bouncing back. Since the summer i've had this feeling, this sense, that she is going to die soon. I dont' want that to happen. I don't want my grandma in Hell. :(
A lot is going on inside me lately. I think its time for another long walk with God.

Reverting

I was reminded today of an image seared into my brain. Today I did something that I have not, could not have, done in a long time: I took a very long walk. Even though it was icy, I ventured out for almost an hour, just walking and spending time with God. It was soooo good. It also made me realize that my actions from this last semester have mentally reverted me back to the state I was in years ago. When I think of my childhood, I envision a little girl, curled in a corner, scared to death, hiding from the angry voices with tears pouring down her face. I can't tell you how much of an ordinary occurence that was. I realized that recently, mentally and not physically, thats what i've been. Curled into a corner, so lost and broken. God took me out of that corner before and I know He's going to lift me out now too. I don't know why, but I was an emotional mess this morning. I was crying so much last night and this morning I was just an utter mess. Thinking about stewing in that mess or texting someone to vent to, I realized that I just needed to eat some Food and go to the Source who can bring me true comfort and not the allusion of such. I needed God. So badly that I was a complete mess. So I left the house, put on my God music, and walked, crying out to Him the whole time. I asked for renewal, restoration, and passion to once again reign in my life. I wanted Him so badly, want Him so badly, and made it known to Him with every breath I took. I looked to the Heavens, only breaking the glance to watch out for ice. I also silenced my phone and made it so no one could distract me from my Savior and what He might say to me. And I really felt Him showing me a new road to take. A new adventure and a new chance to serve Him. It looked like a fresh start; something I am gladly going to take. I needed that alone time sooooo badly. It made me realize that all along, through everything. I was really just craving Him. I've missed our alone times soooo much. I really need to take walks to be with God; I can't just sit indoors and do it. Just doesn't work for me. Thats why being crippled killed me sooooo much! Well not anymore. I'm going to try to make it a usual thing because I love Him soooo much and have missed Him so much. I can't even describe the pain it hurts just to BREATHE without Him. He is my breath. My everything. I love Him more than anything I can think of or desire.

God, you are my life, so take it; its yours!