Time

The weather teaches us so much. Each season with its own magical enchantment. Its breathtaking, exhilarating...enriching. I especially love the places that are hit hard with everything and yet, the following year the grass is greener than before, the trees sturdier, and the flowers more beautiful. Its a lesson to be taught. Each year has its own problems, lessons; growths. We can be beat down and browned, but eventually we will be green again; we will shoot towards the sky and be beautiful. Its the way of things. The beauty of a cycle. A period of growth that teaches us how to praise God more and more each day. We don't have to come to Him perfect and altogether. We just need to come. Come and be. The lesson I'm learning of late is that He is all I need. I can't fix myself and then go to Him. I just need to go and rest in Him. He'll take care of the rest. I really do love Him. With all of my heart, soul, and mind. Which leads me to my heart's desire. Reaching those around me that will not let Him in. It breaks my heart. Brands it in a way nothing else could. We are called to be intercessors. To pray for these people everyday, with every breath until there is a transformation. It it is our duty. If we really love them and desire them to change for Him, then we need to be on our knees, crying out every night. That is love. I pray that I may accept this role daily and wear the burden of it always. "Let me see into heaven, Lord. Let you're heavenly rain fall on these people so entwined with my heart. Hear our cries and soften their hearts. Give us the strength to endure for as long as we must. Let us not be lazy. Everything to and for you Lord. Thank you."

Shatterings

I look at my life and see a split. Who I am, who I want to be. What I do, what I want to do. The people who really care about me, the phonies. The first two are things that are between me and God. He knows my heart's cry. How alone I feel in the dead of night and how much pain is coursing through my body. He knows my thoughts, how they are in a constant struggle and how they dash into fifty different directions, leaving me breathless...lost...confused. I need encouragement yes, but I need stability. People who care for me because I am Kdee Luke. Not because I hang out with one of the "big wigs." I'm me. And if you don't want to hang out with me then whatever. Don't be a phony because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being surrounded by people that don't give a crap about me and can't even strike up a conversation. I don't care if this sounds whiny or dumb but I know what true friends are like. They want to hang out with me, just me. They'll come and do things when I ask them and when I need help, they help. You know, that thing called friendship. I feel so alone in certain groups of friends and quite frankly get annoyed by their presence. I know what it feels like to be with people who care about me and people who are just being phony. Being around phonies not only just sucks, but it hurts. Extremely badly, especially in light of the difficult time I'm going through. I'm at a point where it feels like i'm crawling across a sea of glass, bloodied and sliced to the point of numbness and the lack of real friends is really taking its toll. If you care about me than show it, otherwise don't be surprised when I don't want to be around you. Cuz you're a phony. And thats what you'll always be to me if it continues. I have worked and tried for these friendships in the past but this one way street want to come to a dead end. I'm praying about it all.....and will leave it at just "coming" for now. Bleeding hearts can't fix themselves. And yeah I love it being just me and God but He did invent friendships. Blah morghy fidel doodle.