Blub

God is strong and God is loving. I read that in a Psalm the other day and it really touched me. Usually descriptions of God have all these other meanings or they go on and on but this was just so simplistic. Just these two things and its all there really needs to be. He is strong enough to save us and is loving enough to continually take us back. It also makes me think about how we are supposed to treat each other. We need to be strong and bear one another's burdens and we need to be loving, always caring and always ready to forgive no matter what. So simple but so important and special. I know I need to act more loving in my life. I can really be an awful person and lately it has been wearing on me. What kind of person will not talk to certian people because they are not pretty, or they're too big, or they're geeky? I'm a jerk and feel horrible about it. I've never laid it out so plainly before and if its offensive, i'm sorry, i'm still growing and trying to be better. I want to change that. I really do and am planning on it. Its not right and is in fact quite horrible. I'm also realizing that i'm not as strong as I make myself out to be. By saying death is just a part of life and that i'm used to it, distances me from the raw horrid fact of what it is. It places me apart so i don't have to relive certain family members' deaths all over again. It keeps the pain away. I suppose its not right and makes me out to be callous. I guess in my fight to maintain some sort of control and to break away from the pain of loss I have been playing an out of sight, out of mind thing. I could never express the pain of not having certain family members around me. It hurts. All of those horrid memories are coming back because two more members are starting to check out death's door. They're in no way close to it, but i'm scared. I don't mean to be, but I am. My uncle is so filled of youth and strength. I can't even bear the thought of losing him. If there was ever someone I looked up to it was him, second only to Jesus. I've always admired my uncle so much. He does know God though and i'm just jumping the crow's nest. He might not have cancer and if he does, it might be early enough to take care of it. My grandma is another story. Usually she bounces back when she's sick, but lately she hasn't been bouncing back. Since the summer i've had this feeling, this sense, that she is going to die soon. I dont' want that to happen. I don't want my grandma in Hell. :(
A lot is going on inside me lately. I think its time for another long walk with God.