I think its bad that my knee looks deformed!

These last few days something has been building within me. It started off softly, like a quiet voice telling me that its time to shape up. Letting the voice settle deep within my soul, it is growing louder, prompting me like never before. Its no longer my conscious making me turn from my distracted ways but a present, still voice that is placing eternal love deep within my heart. I have missed this voice. For the first time in a long while i'm seeing the shadows within the eyes of those around me; secrets meant to never be disclosed, pain intended for secret pondering. I have missed this place and yes, my gift. My heart is being renewed, as is my mind. "Be transformed by the renewing of the mind." I'm starting this process. A transformation isn't just a change, but a complete renewal, reversal, and metamorphis into something greater. I found that when I relied purely on what made me feel guilty, I gave into things and fell deeper in to feelings, but embracing this small, tender voice is giving me a steady strength I have never felt before. I can hardly explain it. It seemed so random when it came, but this quiet strength has settled within me. I've been depressed and foolish for so long, but I am beginning to realize that as a daughter of a King, I cannot simply lie in bed and stew in my emotion. Too much is on the line for that. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of letting my emotion overtake me. No more. I'm embracing Strength. It is time to accept things with joy. The idea of it being six months before I can run or play sports again will continue to kill me, of course, for imagine having something dear and special, pratically a neccesity in your life, taken from you suddenly without warning and no matter what you did, you could not get it back. It stinks like no skunk you've ever smelled. God is omnipotent and powerful. I know that He has a plan in all of this and has been trying to tell me for awhile now that there is a time for everything, a time to dance and a time to mourn. I believe that I'm in the mourning time right now. But with saying that, I have to understand that this is only a season. I know for certain that there is so much good to come. I can no longer exist in this state. I choose God. In everything we do its all about choice. Do we love God more than ourselves? If we are indulging in sin and selfishness then we are loving ourselves more than God. That can't happen. We will never get beyond ourself if we choose it over God, and being stuck in ourselves will only lead to more pain and trouble. Being stuck in myself has only put me in a world of depression. I want God. I need God. I love God. Thats it. HE IS MY ABSOLUTE EVERYTHING! I can't believe I have forgotten that. Its time to just fall into those big old arms, sigh and relax in all encompassing love! :)
I need You in my life. Forever. For real.

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I haven't been depressed since the eight grade and still, I never felt this down, I was simly suicidal. I'm just so down. Its such an odd thing for me. I usually see the world in an array of color and excitement, but lately its all just darkness and gloom. The idea of what they did to fix my knee freaks me out. The pain discourages me as does the lack of control I have over it. Everyone is trying to be positive and talk about how everything is going to get better now. Does anyone even care? I just show up and people talk to me and offer assisstance, but does anyone even bother to come visit? To text? Call? No. I seriously doubt that anyone cares right now and don't feel bad. I don't care that people don't. Its not worth it. So my days are spent lying in my bed crying. Pathetic. But. I. Don't. Care. So depressed? Yeah. Whatever. Its a new experience. But cut the false sympathies people. I don't want them. Shove it. Maybe I'm angry for no reason, or maybe theres a lot right now to be angry and hurt about. Or over. So over. Stupid over. Even when I'm off my crutches I can't run or play sports for six months. Everything looks so fun and amazing right now, right? And I could write some stinkin happy blog to make it look like i'm my happy dappy self, but I don't really care to. I don't care. I haven't been to class since last wednesday. Thats stupid. I have so much to make up and do and understand. I can't afford to miss ONE class in some of my classes. Oh well. I want to use obscenities...but i'll withhold. And my stinkin heart is messed up. Not like all messed up, but its embarrassed and disappointed. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it. I don't know why i'm hurt or surprised. Oh well.
Life sucks. Bye. Bye. Goodbye.