Reverting

I was reminded today of an image seared into my brain. Today I did something that I have not, could not have, done in a long time: I took a very long walk. Even though it was icy, I ventured out for almost an hour, just walking and spending time with God. It was soooo good. It also made me realize that my actions from this last semester have mentally reverted me back to the state I was in years ago. When I think of my childhood, I envision a little girl, curled in a corner, scared to death, hiding from the angry voices with tears pouring down her face. I can't tell you how much of an ordinary occurence that was. I realized that recently, mentally and not physically, thats what i've been. Curled into a corner, so lost and broken. God took me out of that corner before and I know He's going to lift me out now too. I don't know why, but I was an emotional mess this morning. I was crying so much last night and this morning I was just an utter mess. Thinking about stewing in that mess or texting someone to vent to, I realized that I just needed to eat some Food and go to the Source who can bring me true comfort and not the allusion of such. I needed God. So badly that I was a complete mess. So I left the house, put on my God music, and walked, crying out to Him the whole time. I asked for renewal, restoration, and passion to once again reign in my life. I wanted Him so badly, want Him so badly, and made it known to Him with every breath I took. I looked to the Heavens, only breaking the glance to watch out for ice. I also silenced my phone and made it so no one could distract me from my Savior and what He might say to me. And I really felt Him showing me a new road to take. A new adventure and a new chance to serve Him. It looked like a fresh start; something I am gladly going to take. I needed that alone time sooooo badly. It made me realize that all along, through everything. I was really just craving Him. I've missed our alone times soooo much. I really need to take walks to be with God; I can't just sit indoors and do it. Just doesn't work for me. Thats why being crippled killed me sooooo much! Well not anymore. I'm going to try to make it a usual thing because I love Him soooo much and have missed Him so much. I can't even describe the pain it hurts just to BREATHE without Him. He is my breath. My everything. I love Him more than anything I can think of or desire.

God, you are my life, so take it; its yours!