"My steps never felt so hard."

I realized something quite fantastic tonight. The wise men traveled for two years following some random star to worship a supposed king in which was just a baby. Talk about FAITH. It has really got me thinking. Sometimes its so hard to just take one step of faith and when things last for awhile, even if its just weeks or months, its like the end of the world to us. They traveled for two years. I find that sooo amazing and what a testament to faith! Could you travel for two years, not knowing where you were going or who exactly you were going to find at the end of some star?? I'd think that after a couple months or even a year I would give up or rethink this star business. But they didn't. They kept on trucking. That is such an encouragement to me! Wow! If my faith was THAT strong i'd never have another worry. And the best thing is, my faith CAN be that strong. Who needs to stress over just taking one step of faith. Lets all just keep trucking it, growing stronger as we go on towards that star, that goal, our Savior! Merry Christmas! :D

Anger

I have never had such an angry week. People keep tickin the crap out of me. I am totally not an angry person, but lately my anger has been coming out like never before, and I truly mean LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I don't get angry. It takes a lot for me to experience genuine anger. Tonight just hit it off. My brother is a stinkin loser. I want to swear so badly right now and am trying to control the filthy words running through my mind. There's a lot of them. Or just one really bad one replaying over and over. He told some guy that I had liked him, which is immature and stupid and not worth eliciting such an intense reaction, but combine that with lying about me obsessing over him and leaving a filthy bathroom for me to clean, complete with his underwear strewn about the floor has left me furious. Sure it was long ago and I no longer like the guy, I actually think he's a complete loser now, how dare he tell him that I obsessed over him and talked about him all the time which I assurdely did not. That is a complete lie. He goes to my church and now I'm going to have to face him all the time. And my brother doesn't just kid lighty, no, when he has some stinkin funny joke going on, he relentlessly bashes the the target of the joke until they look like a freak who is a loser with no brain. Thanks bro. I totally needed that. Thats family for ya. And before his idioticness my dad freaks out and tells me how stupid I am. Day One and its crap. Hello Tears. Hello Hurt. Hello companions for a whole stinkin month. Save me. Help me. I'm so entrapped in a world of psychotic pain and idiocy. Maybe its all the emotion but lately I have a feeling that certain people are going to follow through on what was stopped before. I feel like its going to be carried out. Fear has returned. I feel like its back to the days of staring up at my ceiling, praying that he doesn't come for me in the night; that he wouldn't follow through on the threats uttered. Hoping that I might be safe someday soon. But now I know something for certain. I will never be safe in this house. Never.

God......I don't know if I can do this anymore.

eeek

My heart is burning.