Hiding

Many of us enter a period of hiding. We hide to escape. We hide to create something, whether it is a new us, or something in our lives. We hide to heal. Sometimes we don't even realize that we're hiding, we just are. That is until we realize what we're doing and why we're covering ourselves up so thoroughly. I feel like I may be hiding. But then, maybe i'm not. I honestly don't know, though if the faint notion exists that I am, i suppose I am. Bad notions are entering my mind. I want to do things that I've always been so strong to resist. This isn't an "its happening around me and i want to join in" thing, but more like planning for when I return, desires just building and building......... I've been having intimate time with God lately and I think that because of that, evil is trying to plant his seeds within me....to take me away from the whispers of my Father. I have soooo may good plans.....and so many bad ones. I pray that He will sustain my life and give me wisdom where it is seemingly waning.
I have changed a lot since I left school. This summer is really molding me into something new. In all honesty I don't want to return. I don't want to go back. I want to stay. I love where I work, my co-workers, my bests. I'm being forced to grow up and accept responsibility like never before. I'm being challenged and pushed to succeed and i'm thriving from it. I'm in the midst of such interesting people that I want to know on much deeper levels. Some of them talk about how they don't believe in a God and in breaks my heart. I really wish I could be in two places at once. Does oswego even need me anymore? Did it ever? I should finish my schooling, and I want oh so much to be with BASIC, but what if its not right for me to come back? Maybe I'm just a little off and I really didn't want to put any of these things out there, but they've been circling my head for a long time. Next year will prove to be very difficult. Brian's coming to Oswego. I feel like my safe haven is gone. I'll never escape what I have to live with. I don't know what to do. I'm fine but sometimes i'm oh so not fine. There have been some very bad, serious fights of late too....... man oh man, a lot of bad happening. There's a lot more, but i'm tired of all this, so yeah. I'm trying to trust Him with everything I have and to follow Him no matter what. But then, in the words of Yoda, "do or do not, there is no try." So I guess I just gotta do.