JK? Sure!

Last night, as I was doing my Bible Study, I realized that I am not following my ABC's of Love. I am not Accepting with love, Bearing the Cross, or the last one, whatever that is. :) oops! I think I need to just accept everything and not dwell on it, bearing the pain and baring it to God and God alone. He is amazing and my love for Him runs deep. He is my everything and I shudder to think of my life without His hands on my shoulders. The high places is what my eyes rest longingly on. I want them so BADLY! I know that I just have to shake the old mind set forever and to just take God's hand, allowing sorrow and suffering to lift me, and rise up abandoned. I LOVE JESUS! yay

GRRRRR WITH OLD SELVES!

I feel so stupid for writing this right now, but today is an emotional day for me and I seriously have no idea why. I am done with thinking into things too much and I am SICK of it! I am sick of thinking with my old mind set. I thought I was done with that, but today is a bad day. I just feel like getting a hug from everyone around me, yet I truly believe that they would only give one out of pity. I am stupid. Plain and simple. I am sitting here upset at stupid things instead of writing a reflection paper. That is stupid. My mind set is stupid. My......bodily functions......are stupid, as is my random sprained wrist! So, yeah, I am not the happy dappy little camper today. Is it so bad to want to be loved? I don't know what to do with myself. I want to just separate from everyone until I gain some intelligence. Maybe I am just tired and should not be writing any of this........no sé. Sometimes I wonder if people really know me as well as they think. And if they do know me THAT well, then I should back down, cuz that is scary! Life was easier when I was the stranger and kept aloof. Why does God want me to be so open? I tell people the stupidest things and I need to keep my big, fat, stupid mouth closed!! What is wrong with me?! I am sick of people thinking of me as just the silly little youngin, who we can just disregard, ignore, or grow annoyed with at a moment's notice. Gahrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

But oh well, I am probaly just emotional and wanted to write so if anyone is reading this, and I am sure Ryan is, disregard all of the above for I AM FINE. I can smile and laugh like everyone else and wil pop back into shape in no time. :) See! A smile already!

I just like

I like a lot of people. Its simply just what I do. There stands a person, emanuating coolness and I like them. But then I get so jealous of some of those people. It seems like there is always someone in the group that I have to be jealous of because they are prettier, thinner, smarter, more coherent, or just get more attention. I feel so selfish, but I feel like I am inferior. I know this to be a lie from Satan, but if there is only one spot left I will usually be the first to step back and offer it up to someone else because, well most times it is because I am simply nice and care about them, sometimes I feel like everyone would be happier with the other person. I exist. Being delivered from so many things and struggling through others, things some people do not even know or could even fathom, I am truly grateful and realize how precious things are, but I am just dense a lot of times. I feel unloved to the point of seclusion. I feel like I always have to give an out so the person I am inviting will not have to deal with my horrible presense. Sometimes I am just messed up. Why? I could blame my past. I could blame it on my personality or my looks. I could just say that is how things are. Consequently, I know differently. It is my own fault that I feel this way. I can just accept things or I can ignore love. It seems like most times I really do just ignore love. Sad when I am searching for it so desparately.
When I was younger, I relied fully on God. He was my everything and I relied solely on Him. That was it. I cut everything out of my life, did not trust another human being, just relied on God. It was fantastic for years, well it would have been if I had not been weighed down by so much junk, but it was great! Now I actually kind of trust people. I feel. That is a drastic change in my life. Feeling is not something I am used to, yet that is what I am experiencing. I feel so inept at times talking to people, worrying that I will not say the right things. It weighs on me. I actually care about what is going on with the people around me. I did care deeply before, do not get me wrong, but now I can actually FEEL it in my heart. Its weird. I'm afraid, utterly scared and deeply pertified. And yet I am rejoicing. I CAN FEEL. I thought that ability was lost to me, leaving me a shell, stumbling around looking for some love. I am grateful to feel again, though lately I have been slipping into old habits, drawing into myself. That scares me. I do not want to go back into that hollow shell. I love the fresh air, the freedom to move. I cannot go back. God is my shelter and I need to stand firm, tall, always looking out over the horizon, watching the sunset. I need Him like I need the air. I need wings..................to soar out from under this smog. This hope I hold on to tightly. These needs I hold firmly within my heart. With bloody hands, I hold the broken reflection up to my Father while the tears role silently down my cheeks. It is all here within this person who exists on the outside, watching what the inside will do.