Hobo Nails

I came into this semester thinking that I was ready for a relationship with someone. I don't care if that sounds stupid, but I really wanted someone who could love and be there for me. Now I'm embracing singleness. Like I am really excited and though I may get lonely from time to time, I'm looking forward to a very long period of being single. Its always just been me and God, but I'm a different person than I was and this new person wants to explore and develop in God alone. I'm not saying this based on the fact that no one wants a relationship with me anyways, but that I really am feeling pressed to just draw into God and on God alone. So yeahers!
Church last Sunday really affected me. I was actually quite hurt and started crying during the service. As a child I learned that I could depend on no one; that trusting people was dangerous, emotionally and physically. I had to keep distance in order to survive. I've been so scarred and bruised that sometimes I feel like a lump of mesh squished across the floor, continually being squashed and splattered. I really need someone to love me. Not in the couple/relationship sense, but in a mentor sense. I need someone who cares about whats going on in my life; who won't yell at me or continually put me down or find fault. I need love so badly it hurts. When the pastor mentioned how Christians need to mentor someone and be mentored, I just broke inside. Not many people, and none up here, have cared enough about me to do that. I'm not talking about friends, but an older person to just love on me. I have such a broken home. Not only did the realization that I had no one overwhelm and break me, but memories from my past have been assaulting me so much lately.
The past is in the past, sure, and I should just get over it, but thats a little hard to do when I'm still living in the same situation. Maybe some members have started treating me decently most of the time, but there is so much stress and oppression there that it wears on me so much and I can't leave. I feel called to be home and have had confirmation that home is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I'm needed there and have a mission. I want to see my family restored so badly! They need His love as surely as I do! I need His strength to survive. If anything I am learning that the closer I draw to Him, the weaker I become. But then the weaker I become, the more His strength pours into me. I guess thats not a bad trade off.

"God, I crave Your touch and Your love. I hunger for Your presence, for Your arms around me. You are so good and merciful. I don't deserve You and thats the beauty of it all. Love is all I have to offer you God. Use me, even though I am so flawed. Take me, even though I am so broken. I am utterly in love with you Father. Here I am, send me."