Shatterings

I look at my life and see a split. Who I am, who I want to be. What I do, what I want to do. The people who really care about me, the phonies. The first two are things that are between me and God. He knows my heart's cry. How alone I feel in the dead of night and how much pain is coursing through my body. He knows my thoughts, how they are in a constant struggle and how they dash into fifty different directions, leaving me breathless...lost...confused. I need encouragement yes, but I need stability. People who care for me because I am Kdee Luke. Not because I hang out with one of the "big wigs." I'm me. And if you don't want to hang out with me then whatever. Don't be a phony because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being surrounded by people that don't give a crap about me and can't even strike up a conversation. I don't care if this sounds whiny or dumb but I know what true friends are like. They want to hang out with me, just me. They'll come and do things when I ask them and when I need help, they help. You know, that thing called friendship. I feel so alone in certain groups of friends and quite frankly get annoyed by their presence. I know what it feels like to be with people who care about me and people who are just being phony. Being around phonies not only just sucks, but it hurts. Extremely badly, especially in light of the difficult time I'm going through. I'm at a point where it feels like i'm crawling across a sea of glass, bloodied and sliced to the point of numbness and the lack of real friends is really taking its toll. If you care about me than show it, otherwise don't be surprised when I don't want to be around you. Cuz you're a phony. And thats what you'll always be to me if it continues. I have worked and tried for these friendships in the past but this one way street want to come to a dead end. I'm praying about it all.....and will leave it at just "coming" for now. Bleeding hearts can't fix themselves. And yeah I love it being just me and God but He did invent friendships. Blah morghy fidel doodle.