Darkness never stays for long thank God!

I never thought that I would ever write a blog, but...well....here goes. I hope this is not taken as a sign of conforming or just a way to complain, but I have a deep, embedded love of writing and it has always been a great way for me to express myself.

The memories of what happened, what occured seem to be plaguing me lately. Each direction I turn, I am faced with a wall of pain. Deep rooted, it entangles itself within my heart, wrapping around it like a vice. Dormant, I wait for the pain to move one, but what if it never does. How long must a person endure pain? Why are the memories always waiting to rise up and haunt me? Sometimes it is my greatest wish to be normal; to have come from a normal household, with normal innocence, with normal expectations of people. Normalcy has never been the case with me. When I look into a person's eyes, I often wonder if they can see the scars marring my heart; if they smell the parts of me that had died before being reborn; if they can hear the raw pain that is laced within my voice often at times; if they knew what I had become to get away from it all; what I did. The shack conversation bothered me deeply. Briinging up unwanted memories, fears, and evil thoughts. In many ways I had been like Mack, wanting to end a person's life to save the people around me. I did not perform such an action, but often would I think long and hard on it. Wanting desperately to take action against the evil that lurked in my home as a child.
Last night was not a good night for me and today has been very....dull at best. Not the uninterested dull, but rather the emotional dull. I stay within a sea of souls and conversations, holding my own thoughts and emotions in check, clasping them close to my chest. But I have become very, very tired. I have a problem that plagues me. I know this. Having rid myself of it, it hurts to think that it is trying to come back, even now, this very moment while I am writing, it is plaguing me, whispering lies into my head. It wants me back. Tentacles of control wrap around my mind, closing around it, trying to take me under, into its lair of fear, pain, and deception once again. But I know that there is a force within me that is greater than this pathetic, satanic squid, beckoning me into the depths of myself. That force is Jesus Christ. I feel Him now as well, whispering His love into my heart, skipping my deceiving mind altogther, knowing that it deceives me often and meeting me where I am. I love Him, pure and simple. I may be at a low, but He never falls, nor even stoops, but remains stoic, ready to take my pain and fear onto His sturdy shoulders. My prayer to God is for love; enduring, lasting, and powerful. I know that it is all ready answered before it leaves my lips, heralding a sigh. God is amazing and I am one thankful gal. He never gives us more than we can handle and rejoices in giving us strength to stand firm. He is ALMIGHTY. Meaning that He IS all (everything we need or could ever imagine needing) and is mighty (strong enough to save us from ourselves). Pure and simple, God is good.