Time

The weather teaches us so much. Each season with its own magical enchantment. Its breathtaking, exhilarating...enriching. I especially love the places that are hit hard with everything and yet, the following year the grass is greener than before, the trees sturdier, and the flowers more beautiful. Its a lesson to be taught. Each year has its own problems, lessons; growths. We can be beat down and browned, but eventually we will be green again; we will shoot towards the sky and be beautiful. Its the way of things. The beauty of a cycle. A period of growth that teaches us how to praise God more and more each day. We don't have to come to Him perfect and altogether. We just need to come. Come and be. The lesson I'm learning of late is that He is all I need. I can't fix myself and then go to Him. I just need to go and rest in Him. He'll take care of the rest. I really do love Him. With all of my heart, soul, and mind. Which leads me to my heart's desire. Reaching those around me that will not let Him in. It breaks my heart. Brands it in a way nothing else could. We are called to be intercessors. To pray for these people everyday, with every breath until there is a transformation. It it is our duty. If we really love them and desire them to change for Him, then we need to be on our knees, crying out every night. That is love. I pray that I may accept this role daily and wear the burden of it always. "Let me see into heaven, Lord. Let you're heavenly rain fall on these people so entwined with my heart. Hear our cries and soften their hearts. Give us the strength to endure for as long as we must. Let us not be lazy. Everything to and for you Lord. Thank you."

Shatterings

I look at my life and see a split. Who I am, who I want to be. What I do, what I want to do. The people who really care about me, the phonies. The first two are things that are between me and God. He knows my heart's cry. How alone I feel in the dead of night and how much pain is coursing through my body. He knows my thoughts, how they are in a constant struggle and how they dash into fifty different directions, leaving me breathless...lost...confused. I need encouragement yes, but I need stability. People who care for me because I am Kdee Luke. Not because I hang out with one of the "big wigs." I'm me. And if you don't want to hang out with me then whatever. Don't be a phony because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being surrounded by people that don't give a crap about me and can't even strike up a conversation. I don't care if this sounds whiny or dumb but I know what true friends are like. They want to hang out with me, just me. They'll come and do things when I ask them and when I need help, they help. You know, that thing called friendship. I feel so alone in certain groups of friends and quite frankly get annoyed by their presence. I know what it feels like to be with people who care about me and people who are just being phony. Being around phonies not only just sucks, but it hurts. Extremely badly, especially in light of the difficult time I'm going through. I'm at a point where it feels like i'm crawling across a sea of glass, bloodied and sliced to the point of numbness and the lack of real friends is really taking its toll. If you care about me than show it, otherwise don't be surprised when I don't want to be around you. Cuz you're a phony. And thats what you'll always be to me if it continues. I have worked and tried for these friendships in the past but this one way street want to come to a dead end. I'm praying about it all.....and will leave it at just "coming" for now. Bleeding hearts can't fix themselves. And yeah I love it being just me and God but He did invent friendships. Blah morghy fidel doodle.

Got crap in the head!

Buddle funkers. I really want to be better. I feel like I used to be so compassionate and caring, always willing to do whatever someone needed without any thought. Now I question and think things through....I want that innocent girl back. I've lost my innocence. I miss it so badly. I don't want to be ruthless or blockheaded. I just care sooo much about certain people that when their actions are damaging to themselves, it hurts me on a very deep level. I want to step in and make everything pretty.. I can't tell you how much I have given up to fulfill that role. I want to heal and help but I become to emotionally involved and destroy it all. I'm trying sooo hard to find that balance and hate myself for how many mistakes I'm making in the process. I'm an emotional catastrophe.
I can say sorry a million times but it doesn't mean a thing until I actually start changing. One change I have made though is one I'm very proud of. I've given myself a curfew. Its weird. I've never had a curfew before. Not ever. But I really need some control and boundaries in my life right now and decided that I can't trust myself in every area of my life, and I do mean every. So I can resort back to a normal person's childhood and install the curfew.
I think my mind becomes this short due to lack of sleep and constantly on the go...not to mention way too much thinking. I need a vacation from myself..... I hate the things that get to me...get inside my heart to tear it to shreds and infest my mind........blah........

I need a reboot.

So I was planning on never writing in this again but yea....

So I thought it wouldn't matter, but it does. I thought I could look you in the eye, be with you and it'd all just work out....but its just not that easy. You mean more to me than I can even imagine and I lost you...i've lost a lot of people......and no matter what a prophecy tells me, I still feel like nothing. I still feel cast down and uncared for, rejected......


This is meant for honesty....so there it is......

(Don't assume who "you" is because you would be sorely mistaken.)




I really need to change my thinking where I don't fall back to it, where I don't feel so uncared for.....I need His promises and love with me constantly and instead of just saying, I need to act....maybe if I tell myself that enough times, I'll start doing it. I pray I start doing it. Things need to change. I pray for the strength to do it..

Hiding

Many of us enter a period of hiding. We hide to escape. We hide to create something, whether it is a new us, or something in our lives. We hide to heal. Sometimes we don't even realize that we're hiding, we just are. That is until we realize what we're doing and why we're covering ourselves up so thoroughly. I feel like I may be hiding. But then, maybe i'm not. I honestly don't know, though if the faint notion exists that I am, i suppose I am. Bad notions are entering my mind. I want to do things that I've always been so strong to resist. This isn't an "its happening around me and i want to join in" thing, but more like planning for when I return, desires just building and building......... I've been having intimate time with God lately and I think that because of that, evil is trying to plant his seeds within me....to take me away from the whispers of my Father. I have soooo may good plans.....and so many bad ones. I pray that He will sustain my life and give me wisdom where it is seemingly waning.
I have changed a lot since I left school. This summer is really molding me into something new. In all honesty I don't want to return. I don't want to go back. I want to stay. I love where I work, my co-workers, my bests. I'm being forced to grow up and accept responsibility like never before. I'm being challenged and pushed to succeed and i'm thriving from it. I'm in the midst of such interesting people that I want to know on much deeper levels. Some of them talk about how they don't believe in a God and in breaks my heart. I really wish I could be in two places at once. Does oswego even need me anymore? Did it ever? I should finish my schooling, and I want oh so much to be with BASIC, but what if its not right for me to come back? Maybe I'm just a little off and I really didn't want to put any of these things out there, but they've been circling my head for a long time. Next year will prove to be very difficult. Brian's coming to Oswego. I feel like my safe haven is gone. I'll never escape what I have to live with. I don't know what to do. I'm fine but sometimes i'm oh so not fine. There have been some very bad, serious fights of late too....... man oh man, a lot of bad happening. There's a lot more, but i'm tired of all this, so yeah. I'm trying to trust Him with everything I have and to follow Him no matter what. But then, in the words of Yoda, "do or do not, there is no try." So I guess I just gotta do.

Who is to say whats right?

There is a question of being loyal and deciding that some things are best left. It may not be in one's nature to completely move on and live a different life, but when one finds that every time they are around certain people they are beat up, pushed down, or highly discouraged, it makes one think that it is just better all around to not come back. Sure we all want to help those in need, to be that spotlight in their dark, cold world, but what is dying inside of us if we remain among such thorns that won't do anything to help the garden grow? Do we reside near them to be choked and scratched, clinging desperately to the daylight hoping that the thorns will grow softer? How much blood must we lose before we realize that it is better to just move on? Maybe the fight is not truly a fight though. Maybe we are meant to remain, bruised, bloodied, and beaten, crawling across the floor, sliding along on our own tears. Maybe by the end of the crawl the thorns will realize what exactly they did and how if they do not grow, their murderous ways will only kill everyone they care about. That is, if they truly do care.
We all have the potential to be thorns. To scratch and wound those we care about. We are in close proximity to so many people that we must learn to have compassion and to be understanding no matter how hurt we are by that person or even how jealous we are of them. Just like we can all be thorns we also have the potential to be beautiful flowers, uplifting and encouraging people always. People should want to be in our gardens. Let's not chase them away by meaningless things, no matter how punctured you feel.

Brrrr!!!! I am sooooo cold!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight was very good, very good indeed. The prayer walk went well. It was only my brother, me and Jillian, but I feel like it was that way for a reason. The three of us prayed and talked for a long while as we waked a very gorgeous park. It was so peaceful and calm. I could not have asked for a better place to pray. We're planning on some trips to the Watkins Glen Gorge, Buttermilk Falls, white river rafting, and bonfires!!! I hope most of those plans work out. I'm really trying to unite the Christians around here so that we can be one force and then work on reaching out from there. I feel like we all really need each other and only a few of them realize this, which saddens me a tad. I don't think two of my friends are that interested, but Jillian, Steph, and Victoria are with me all the way, so thats a blessing. The prayer walk was soooooooooo good for my Tommy. It was good to get him out and uncomfortable, praying with a fellow believer. Before we went in our house, after talking the whole way back, we sat in the car and he told me about everything going on in his heart and all the pain he's holding inside. He's where I was at years ago, holding everything inside, shoving down all the emotions to create a protective barrier against those closest to you. Its a horrid place to be and ostracizes you so much. He told me about how much he dislikes himself and how he always focuses on all his failures. I was able to share and talk with him and he said he'll pray about everything I said. Before we left though, I prayed with him, letting everything God placed in my mouth come out and by the time I was finished, my poor tommy was crying. I'm beginning to think that i'm home for more than just my best friends. It kills me to think of all the pain he's holding inside of him. :( My poor brother. I'm praying he allows God's healing into his heart and that he lets go of all the negative things he's been holding on to.
Thats where Tom's at, and Brian?...... He keeps making fun of me about prayer walks and is putting me down continually. He's trying to turn the rest of my family against me and is even making fun of it to my friends who have been on the prayer walk. He thinks i'm in some sort of occult thing and that he doesn't believe in the power of God and people hearing or seeing things from Him. He breaks my heart and angers me so. I know he is hurting, but he disrespects and makes fun of God so much. Its all I can do not to get mad and yell at him. I'm forced to hold my tongue a lot and pray against the discouragement he is shoving on me. Ugh.
Besides that, i'm very excited for this summer. God has big plans and I'm just begging to be used by Him. I'm going to talk to my assistant pastor and see if I can get more involved in the church. I can't let it fan out. This passion that's burning needs some fuel or i'll go crazy!