Its in the trees.

I had such a heavy oppressive spirit come over me tonight. It slammed into me, leaving me in utter sadness. Taking a walk, I hoped to clear it and understand what had happened. I suppose I was not meant to. Walking around the campus, my eyes were opened to nature in a way that they never have been before. Usually I see things in nature, messages of whats going on or visions of things to come, but tonight I saw life in the trees. Not life as in the essence of Christ, or the meaning, or any of that jazz, but actual life. I felt each tree had its own life force, its own personality and identity. One group of trees were leaning forward as if in earnest expectation for the Lord. Another group were not waiting in expectation, but were building up their forces, preparing themselves in strength for The Coming. Still another group were the comforters, not interested in fighting, but rather there for their fellow man, ready to lend a hand when needed. It made me wonder which group each of us fell in.
All this reminded me of the verse in the Bible where it talks about nature waiting in anticipation for Jesus to come back. Never before have I sensed such things in nature. I mean I have seen visions where trees or other things did have emotions and such, but these trees tonight were like people. I felt strengthened by them and truly believe that they are soldiers, ready to fight alongside us. This excites me so much. Each tree had this steady, quiet strength and a steady determination. We need to be more like the trees. They're preparing themselves; I can feel them rising up, ready for what is coming. Its hard for them to continue to remain quiet. As I walked around campus, I felt such security and encouragement from them.
I'm not sure what any of this means, but the trees on this campus have become extremely important. I pray that God will reveal the meaning behind everything soon, but for now I feel encouraged, in awe, and needed to write everything out and this seemed a good place to do it.
Speak and I will listen; show and I will see.....I await You in eager expectation.

Hobo Nails

I came into this semester thinking that I was ready for a relationship with someone. I don't care if that sounds stupid, but I really wanted someone who could love and be there for me. Now I'm embracing singleness. Like I am really excited and though I may get lonely from time to time, I'm looking forward to a very long period of being single. Its always just been me and God, but I'm a different person than I was and this new person wants to explore and develop in God alone. I'm not saying this based on the fact that no one wants a relationship with me anyways, but that I really am feeling pressed to just draw into God and on God alone. So yeahers!
Church last Sunday really affected me. I was actually quite hurt and started crying during the service. As a child I learned that I could depend on no one; that trusting people was dangerous, emotionally and physically. I had to keep distance in order to survive. I've been so scarred and bruised that sometimes I feel like a lump of mesh squished across the floor, continually being squashed and splattered. I really need someone to love me. Not in the couple/relationship sense, but in a mentor sense. I need someone who cares about whats going on in my life; who won't yell at me or continually put me down or find fault. I need love so badly it hurts. When the pastor mentioned how Christians need to mentor someone and be mentored, I just broke inside. Not many people, and none up here, have cared enough about me to do that. I'm not talking about friends, but an older person to just love on me. I have such a broken home. Not only did the realization that I had no one overwhelm and break me, but memories from my past have been assaulting me so much lately.
The past is in the past, sure, and I should just get over it, but thats a little hard to do when I'm still living in the same situation. Maybe some members have started treating me decently most of the time, but there is so much stress and oppression there that it wears on me so much and I can't leave. I feel called to be home and have had confirmation that home is where I am supposed to be at this time in my life. I'm needed there and have a mission. I want to see my family restored so badly! They need His love as surely as I do! I need His strength to survive. If anything I am learning that the closer I draw to Him, the weaker I become. But then the weaker I become, the more His strength pours into me. I guess thats not a bad trade off.

"God, I crave Your touch and Your love. I hunger for Your presence, for Your arms around me. You are so good and merciful. I don't deserve You and thats the beauty of it all. Love is all I have to offer you God. Use me, even though I am so flawed. Take me, even though I am so broken. I am utterly in love with you Father. Here I am, send me."