Lonely Guitars

I don't think you ever stop missing certain people. Whether they have been gone four years or ten, time is insignificant. Their absence still hurts; you still cry and you remember the best of times you had with them. A moment in life is everlasting when it strikes you in the heart, no matter how short or if it was prolonged. I'll never be the same. So many days have changed me for eternity.............a long dirt road and an ambulance.............a snowboard.............a hospital bed......the last kiss of a life... a final goodbye. Cold so chilling and deep that it freezes the heart making it ever so fragile. This is life.

"At the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all, I want to be in Your arms,
at the end of it all......I want to be in Your arms...


I'm dying from me....."

Adam

I read the most amazing book talk today. It really just touched my heart. I've never highlighted a book for fun before, but today I did! I made my mark like it made its mark on me! Ted Dekker and his friend-author-man were talking about demons and how they affect our lives. They are very real things and seek to destroy us. Since Satan does not have the power to defeat God, he goes after His beloved to hurt Him deeply. Satan attacks us and sics his demons after us to hurt God right where it hurts. God loves us so much and is continually wooing us with this awesome, pure love. With all that spiritual warfare going on, no wonder why we have problems. Everything is part of a larger picture and I think we forget that sometimes. God has His heart set on people to do His will; it just makes sense that satan would attack those people in particular. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Another point they brought up was how everyone focuses on the spiritual warfare part when that is not the main point to anything. We are on this Earth for God, our Lover. We are in a love story guys, not a war. Are main focus is pleasing God and doing what brings Him joy and He wants to see us happy. He continually gives us gifts and wraps us in strong arms, always declaring His love. The warfare part is just a side effect of life. It happens because of this love. Yes, we are in a war. Yes, it is dangerous and we need to be on our guard always. But we are IN LOVE. Like in any movie, the whole story is focused on the love story portion and how they would move Earth just to be with each other. Thats what life is about. Our Lover and His beloved. Love. Love conquers all. We can use any weapon at our disposal but what matter most is the love we pour out in life. Everything is already conquered. Its been that way since the beginning. God conquered evil and mankind. Our task is to simply let people know that, to tell them that its been won. They've been won and there is a Lover like none ever awaiting them with arms spread wide. God is passionate and its about time we met Him with that same passion!
With everything that happens we need to look at the fruit of it. Fruit isn't always the healthy, tasteful food. There is bad fruit. When we come across this, it is demons in our lives. If we look at the fruit of each situation, each thought, we quickly discover whose hands are in it. If the fruit is of love, patience, joy, and such then of course it is of God. If its destruction, jealousy, hate, fear, oppression, or anything of that such then it is of the demons trying to take His beloved away from Him. Bad fruits are not of God nor just from a bad day. I mean we all have our bad days, but if there is some thought that is constantly on your mind or is bothering you deeply, then you just might have a demon's claw stuck in your back. They love whispering their destructive thoughts into your own. They want to trick us into a state of ignorance, passivity, or fear. God is our light and the only force that can expel this darkness from us. To fight back, to get out,we need to CRY out to the Light! That light will come forth and lead us from the darkness. As long as we are walking in the Light it cannot touch us!
Personally, i'm sick of the bad fruits in my life. Looking at certain emotions and thoughts I realize that they are bad fruit and know that it is not my fruit that is bothering me...its belongs to something much more sinister and destructive. We're not meant for destruction but restoration. I want to rest in my Lover's arms. I want to bask in His whispers of love. I want my Lover. And He wants His beloved. Sounds like a perfect match to me.

What lies inside..?

There is an undeniable darkness within all of us. A force created from the dark moments in our lives. It lies in wait, ever desiring to come out and take over. Can such a force ever be eliminated? Is the Light of God all consuming enough to remove it from our programming? Sometimes I fear this dark fate. What stops it from coming out? When our walk is good, our light is good. When our walk wavers...the dark comes out to play. What if the darkness never stops playing? What if it takes us over completely? There is so much within our minds that we cannot fathom. It is simply an impossible task. Today this darkness has been hinting at me, reminding me of all the times I was forced to watch pure evil, to stare into its ugly face and remain silent. The hatred that built within my heart as each hit, each cursed word fell. Poison runs through my veins and I want to cut it out at some points. However, I do trust in the love of my Lover. He will rescue me without fail for His light is relieving, encompassing, and real. Focusing on that light will I ever break through this dark veil, this nightmare that always appears within my mind's eye. God, keep the demons away.

Blub

God is strong and God is loving. I read that in a Psalm the other day and it really touched me. Usually descriptions of God have all these other meanings or they go on and on but this was just so simplistic. Just these two things and its all there really needs to be. He is strong enough to save us and is loving enough to continually take us back. It also makes me think about how we are supposed to treat each other. We need to be strong and bear one another's burdens and we need to be loving, always caring and always ready to forgive no matter what. So simple but so important and special. I know I need to act more loving in my life. I can really be an awful person and lately it has been wearing on me. What kind of person will not talk to certian people because they are not pretty, or they're too big, or they're geeky? I'm a jerk and feel horrible about it. I've never laid it out so plainly before and if its offensive, i'm sorry, i'm still growing and trying to be better. I want to change that. I really do and am planning on it. Its not right and is in fact quite horrible. I'm also realizing that i'm not as strong as I make myself out to be. By saying death is just a part of life and that i'm used to it, distances me from the raw horrid fact of what it is. It places me apart so i don't have to relive certain family members' deaths all over again. It keeps the pain away. I suppose its not right and makes me out to be callous. I guess in my fight to maintain some sort of control and to break away from the pain of loss I have been playing an out of sight, out of mind thing. I could never express the pain of not having certain family members around me. It hurts. All of those horrid memories are coming back because two more members are starting to check out death's door. They're in no way close to it, but i'm scared. I don't mean to be, but I am. My uncle is so filled of youth and strength. I can't even bear the thought of losing him. If there was ever someone I looked up to it was him, second only to Jesus. I've always admired my uncle so much. He does know God though and i'm just jumping the crow's nest. He might not have cancer and if he does, it might be early enough to take care of it. My grandma is another story. Usually she bounces back when she's sick, but lately she hasn't been bouncing back. Since the summer i've had this feeling, this sense, that she is going to die soon. I dont' want that to happen. I don't want my grandma in Hell. :(
A lot is going on inside me lately. I think its time for another long walk with God.

Reverting

I was reminded today of an image seared into my brain. Today I did something that I have not, could not have, done in a long time: I took a very long walk. Even though it was icy, I ventured out for almost an hour, just walking and spending time with God. It was soooo good. It also made me realize that my actions from this last semester have mentally reverted me back to the state I was in years ago. When I think of my childhood, I envision a little girl, curled in a corner, scared to death, hiding from the angry voices with tears pouring down her face. I can't tell you how much of an ordinary occurence that was. I realized that recently, mentally and not physically, thats what i've been. Curled into a corner, so lost and broken. God took me out of that corner before and I know He's going to lift me out now too. I don't know why, but I was an emotional mess this morning. I was crying so much last night and this morning I was just an utter mess. Thinking about stewing in that mess or texting someone to vent to, I realized that I just needed to eat some Food and go to the Source who can bring me true comfort and not the allusion of such. I needed God. So badly that I was a complete mess. So I left the house, put on my God music, and walked, crying out to Him the whole time. I asked for renewal, restoration, and passion to once again reign in my life. I wanted Him so badly, want Him so badly, and made it known to Him with every breath I took. I looked to the Heavens, only breaking the glance to watch out for ice. I also silenced my phone and made it so no one could distract me from my Savior and what He might say to me. And I really felt Him showing me a new road to take. A new adventure and a new chance to serve Him. It looked like a fresh start; something I am gladly going to take. I needed that alone time sooooo badly. It made me realize that all along, through everything. I was really just craving Him. I've missed our alone times soooo much. I really need to take walks to be with God; I can't just sit indoors and do it. Just doesn't work for me. Thats why being crippled killed me sooooo much! Well not anymore. I'm going to try to make it a usual thing because I love Him soooo much and have missed Him so much. I can't even describe the pain it hurts just to BREATHE without Him. He is my breath. My everything. I love Him more than anything I can think of or desire.

God, you are my life, so take it; its yours!