Ho hum by mind is a bum....

For once I would like to actually a keep a pastor that means a lot to me. I had an incredible pastor when I was a child, but he left my life suddenly with the blast of a gun. He committed suicide after having an affair with his secretary. I honestly have not accepted that fact. Not the affair part, but him committing suicide. He was an incredible man, and obviously he had his flaws and sins, but he was a man with his heart set on God. He was a very singnificant part of my life and I still miss him dearly. I cried so hard that night when I found out. I think his wife murdered him out of jealousy and anger. But that is only a suspicion, though there is evidence that supports it, and not the focul point of this blog. This is: my pastor is leaving. Another one that meant so much to me running off into a place that I cannot follow. Isn't that sad? Though in this case, he isn't dying, just moving on to a church that he feels called to. Which I don't doubt at all and do feel a peace, if not incredible sadness, about him leaving. Its just that he has helped me so much in overcoming a lot of the pain in my life. Deciding to meet with him last year helped me so much to overcome my intense hatred for certain individuals in my life. He helped me realize that I had to love and that love cast out all fear and overcomes the darkness. My world, so ofter shrouded in thick darkness needed that guidance to accept the love of hope, in order to pierce through the despair in a blinding shaft of brilliance that has set me free. I am free of hate and wish to bask in this freedom forever. Hatred is a retarded business that only hurts the person participating in it. It is not worth the bondage. Grasp onto hope. As my pastor said today, hope is never meaningless or useless. Hope shines like a beacon. It is the light that draws us out of the darkness. The grasping of enlightment. The worthiness of each individual calling. Hope is our fire to fight off the cold. Our shelter to protect against the rains. It is our battle sword against the enemy's attacks. Hope gives us meaning to breathe. We breath in the light and inhale the goodness. As we are breathing, the first light of the dawn that had been slipping across the sky, lights up the world in bursts of righteousness. Hope is never meaningless or useless. It is truly a gift from God. His light wrapped up into an intense feeling. Hold onto that crazy intense flame. Hold on to hope. Don't let the darkness in. Dwell in the light. Dwell in hope!

Goodbye dear pastors.........:( Thanks for the life lessons! (And I hope pastor M, that you are not burning in Hell right now, but that I may see you again in heaven.) GOD BLESS!

So I started, why not Just do another one......

Love Stinks. Did you know that? IT.....STINKS.......SO.......MUCH! Love is an amazing thing. Did you know that? IT.........IS..........SO........AMAZING. Confusing? Welcome to the wonderful world of.....me! :) Sometimes my heart hurts so much that it becomes a physical ache. I just want to reach inside, grab it, and yank it out to save me from the torture of feeling. It has been sooooo long since I have liked someone for real. I have had playful little distractions along the way to ease that consistent ache, but they never truly distract, only cause more pain. I would never say out loud that I am in love, because that is stupid. Plainly put, it is only my own foolishness, but it still bothers me so I am writing this, since that was what I was told this is for......
Love is consuming. Once you take a hold of that little candle, where the flicker is small, contained, and simply pleasant, you are taking hold of something that has the potential to sear you. This flicker flames into an intense blaze that overtakes everything, chaning your life forever. I'm not one who enjoys playing with fire seriously. Its fun to touch the flame for an instant, before retreating to safety. Sticking yourself completely in the flame seems foolish and way too scary to comprehend. I love flirting. It is fun and very enjoyable. Honestly, I do not mean to do it. It just happens. My subconscious takes over and all the hurt within me tries to soothe itself through flippant talk. Sometimes I try to like someone just to rid myself of the pain. I want to smother the memories of the one person who made me feel like I was pretty enough to be worth something. That I was me and that it was okay. That no matter who was around, it would always be just me. I was that important. I have never seen such eyes since, filled with everything that I have dreamed and longed for like a princess trapped in a tower longs for her prince charming. I had a prince charming. He was everything I dreamed of and more. Is this just stupid? Yea, probably, but I do not care what other people think on this subject. He was more special than words can ever describe. God sent him to me to set me free from my dark world. God used him to save me from all the demons slashing me with their sharp talons, gnashing at my knees, forcing me to the ground where the dirt clings to me, leaving me dirty and ashamed. That life is over now. I am clean and saved. Sanctified through blood and love. Jesus saved me and I am forever thankful. Though I hate the pain I feel from the one He used to save me, I will never regret meeting him. I will never forget him, his words, or his touch. They are seared to my memory like a burn from a hot iron. The scar will forever remain. I suppose it is a good thing that I like scars.......So love stinks. Pain is horrendous. But the setting free is priceless.....and love cannot be ignored or forgotten. No matter what.

Cherry Cobbler Yogurt is just not THAT exciting....

Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I did not play chicken. Chickens....hmmmm....their lives seem so simplistic: to walk around the farm, pecking at the dirt, clucking at their friends, sleeping in the hay, and just living. Humans often are quite the reverse. We tend to exist. Living is a foreign concept that is overlooked often. Existing is simply easier. We do not have to think about the consquences nor do we have to go out of our way for anything. Sure the life of a chicken does not seem that exciting, but at least they are who they are. So many times we imitate them, hiding in the background until things straighten out or become safe. To leave the farm is too terrifying and to meet the other farm animals seems useless. In this way, we become entrapped, stuck in a cage, losing the desire for anything different, even if that different is better. I am sick of being entrapped, of playing it safe. NO MORE! IT IS STUPID! I gave my best friend The Shack today and was too scared to tell her it was about God. I was afraid if she knew beforehand then she would not read it at all. So now I am terrified of her reaction. I can only pray that she continues reading it and that it will touch her heart deeply. Also, I am realizing that I hide from my family. I become a quiet, timid, and guarded sort at home. I do not think that this is a good thing. NOPE. NADA. NO. I want to set the World on fire, but what good is setting the World on fire if my own home remains in darkness? STUPID. WORTHLESS. FOOLISH. It is time to stop being a little chicken, pecking around the garden, doing anything but what I NEED to be doing. NEED. MUST. IMPERATAVE.
So come on chicks, let us take flight!!!!! This barnyard needs to be cleaned and organized. Cages are stupid and restricting. Lets start flying. I really thing it will be easier and more free in the long run.....:)
And it has been a loooooooooong time since I wrote a blog and this is really weird, but whatever, i'm Kdee....deal with it!