"My steps never felt so hard."

I realized something quite fantastic tonight. The wise men traveled for two years following some random star to worship a supposed king in which was just a baby. Talk about FAITH. It has really got me thinking. Sometimes its so hard to just take one step of faith and when things last for awhile, even if its just weeks or months, its like the end of the world to us. They traveled for two years. I find that sooo amazing and what a testament to faith! Could you travel for two years, not knowing where you were going or who exactly you were going to find at the end of some star?? I'd think that after a couple months or even a year I would give up or rethink this star business. But they didn't. They kept on trucking. That is such an encouragement to me! Wow! If my faith was THAT strong i'd never have another worry. And the best thing is, my faith CAN be that strong. Who needs to stress over just taking one step of faith. Lets all just keep trucking it, growing stronger as we go on towards that star, that goal, our Savior! Merry Christmas! :D

Anger

I have never had such an angry week. People keep tickin the crap out of me. I am totally not an angry person, but lately my anger has been coming out like never before, and I truly mean LIKE NEVER BEFORE. I don't get angry. It takes a lot for me to experience genuine anger. Tonight just hit it off. My brother is a stinkin loser. I want to swear so badly right now and am trying to control the filthy words running through my mind. There's a lot of them. Or just one really bad one replaying over and over. He told some guy that I had liked him, which is immature and stupid and not worth eliciting such an intense reaction, but combine that with lying about me obsessing over him and leaving a filthy bathroom for me to clean, complete with his underwear strewn about the floor has left me furious. Sure it was long ago and I no longer like the guy, I actually think he's a complete loser now, how dare he tell him that I obsessed over him and talked about him all the time which I assurdely did not. That is a complete lie. He goes to my church and now I'm going to have to face him all the time. And my brother doesn't just kid lighty, no, when he has some stinkin funny joke going on, he relentlessly bashes the the target of the joke until they look like a freak who is a loser with no brain. Thanks bro. I totally needed that. Thats family for ya. And before his idioticness my dad freaks out and tells me how stupid I am. Day One and its crap. Hello Tears. Hello Hurt. Hello companions for a whole stinkin month. Save me. Help me. I'm so entrapped in a world of psychotic pain and idiocy. Maybe its all the emotion but lately I have a feeling that certain people are going to follow through on what was stopped before. I feel like its going to be carried out. Fear has returned. I feel like its back to the days of staring up at my ceiling, praying that he doesn't come for me in the night; that he wouldn't follow through on the threats uttered. Hoping that I might be safe someday soon. But now I know something for certain. I will never be safe in this house. Never.

God......I don't know if I can do this anymore.

eeek

My heart is burning.

I think its bad that my knee looks deformed!

These last few days something has been building within me. It started off softly, like a quiet voice telling me that its time to shape up. Letting the voice settle deep within my soul, it is growing louder, prompting me like never before. Its no longer my conscious making me turn from my distracted ways but a present, still voice that is placing eternal love deep within my heart. I have missed this voice. For the first time in a long while i'm seeing the shadows within the eyes of those around me; secrets meant to never be disclosed, pain intended for secret pondering. I have missed this place and yes, my gift. My heart is being renewed, as is my mind. "Be transformed by the renewing of the mind." I'm starting this process. A transformation isn't just a change, but a complete renewal, reversal, and metamorphis into something greater. I found that when I relied purely on what made me feel guilty, I gave into things and fell deeper in to feelings, but embracing this small, tender voice is giving me a steady strength I have never felt before. I can hardly explain it. It seemed so random when it came, but this quiet strength has settled within me. I've been depressed and foolish for so long, but I am beginning to realize that as a daughter of a King, I cannot simply lie in bed and stew in my emotion. Too much is on the line for that. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of letting my emotion overtake me. No more. I'm embracing Strength. It is time to accept things with joy. The idea of it being six months before I can run or play sports again will continue to kill me, of course, for imagine having something dear and special, pratically a neccesity in your life, taken from you suddenly without warning and no matter what you did, you could not get it back. It stinks like no skunk you've ever smelled. God is omnipotent and powerful. I know that He has a plan in all of this and has been trying to tell me for awhile now that there is a time for everything, a time to dance and a time to mourn. I believe that I'm in the mourning time right now. But with saying that, I have to understand that this is only a season. I know for certain that there is so much good to come. I can no longer exist in this state. I choose God. In everything we do its all about choice. Do we love God more than ourselves? If we are indulging in sin and selfishness then we are loving ourselves more than God. That can't happen. We will never get beyond ourself if we choose it over God, and being stuck in ourselves will only lead to more pain and trouble. Being stuck in myself has only put me in a world of depression. I want God. I need God. I love God. Thats it. HE IS MY ABSOLUTE EVERYTHING! I can't believe I have forgotten that. Its time to just fall into those big old arms, sigh and relax in all encompassing love! :)
I need You in my life. Forever. For real.

337737733

I haven't been depressed since the eight grade and still, I never felt this down, I was simly suicidal. I'm just so down. Its such an odd thing for me. I usually see the world in an array of color and excitement, but lately its all just darkness and gloom. The idea of what they did to fix my knee freaks me out. The pain discourages me as does the lack of control I have over it. Everyone is trying to be positive and talk about how everything is going to get better now. Does anyone even care? I just show up and people talk to me and offer assisstance, but does anyone even bother to come visit? To text? Call? No. I seriously doubt that anyone cares right now and don't feel bad. I don't care that people don't. Its not worth it. So my days are spent lying in my bed crying. Pathetic. But. I. Don't. Care. So depressed? Yeah. Whatever. Its a new experience. But cut the false sympathies people. I don't want them. Shove it. Maybe I'm angry for no reason, or maybe theres a lot right now to be angry and hurt about. Or over. So over. Stupid over. Even when I'm off my crutches I can't run or play sports for six months. Everything looks so fun and amazing right now, right? And I could write some stinkin happy blog to make it look like i'm my happy dappy self, but I don't really care to. I don't care. I haven't been to class since last wednesday. Thats stupid. I have so much to make up and do and understand. I can't afford to miss ONE class in some of my classes. Oh well. I want to use obscenities...but i'll withhold. And my stinkin heart is messed up. Not like all messed up, but its embarrassed and disappointed. I knew it wouldn't last. I knew it. I don't know why i'm hurt or surprised. Oh well.
Life sucks. Bye. Bye. Goodbye.

I'm Hurt

I'm really hurt right now. Like really, knife shoved through the heart hurt. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I absolutely hate asking people for help, to get me something, to drive me somewhere. It may not look like it, but it really bothers me to have to ask. I'm sorry that I am incapable of doing things on my own. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. Instead I'm left to depend on others. That kills me more than you can imagine. So you can understand that when my friends get really annoyed with helping me how much that hurts me. I can understand that I am a major inconvienence right now...I'm really sorry about that, but I don't know how not to be at this current time. I'm in pain. I am weak. I cannot walk on my own two feet. Doors are very difficult to open. I continually slip or trip up. Thats how things are right now, so if you don't want to help I guess just stay away. Honestly, I'd rather do everything on my own then get help from someone who is just going to get annoyed and frustrated with me. I'm trying. I don't know what else you expect from me. Sorry. I'll do better?

Oggie

So I have come to a realization and though it may hurt some people it is something that I have to do for me. We'll see how it goes, but its something i've noticed for awhile and would finally like to act on. So....sorry in advance. Bye.

hmmmmmm

I haven't blogged in such a long time, but since i'm just hanging here with my knee all torn up, it seems like just the thing to do. Hello! I'm so sore right now. Walking on crutches is not fun, but thank God I have some really great friends who have been takng care of me. It surprises me though. Last year it seemed like I had so many good friends who I got to spend a lot of time with. This semester it seems like i'm turning into one of those people in the group that shows up, talks to a bunch of people, then goes away and no one cares if they see them again or not. Thats very disturbing. I am not saying that I think I am positively amazing and that everyone should seek me out, I just find it......odd. :( oh well I guess.
I want my Daddy. I want to just fall into His arms and not think about all the bad i've done this semester. I want to forget all of the stupid things that i've done or let happen. I haven't felt this dumb and inept in awhile. Sometimes I think my mind is regressing or that people will think that i'm just stupid and will desert me. Thats silly but I hate appearing dumb. Sure I joke around about being the dumb blonde, but secretly inside I absolutely hope that no one really thinks of me as the little dumb blonde chick in the group. Do people even know the real me? So many people make judgements about me or just assume who I am, but no one here really knows me. At times like this I miss my dunks back home. Sometimes I feel like she's the only friend that really gets me and knows who I am. I don't pretend to be anything or anyone. This is me. Accept me or don't. Dont make judgements or assessments about me. I don't know. Maybe i'm just rambling, but that happens.
I love God so much and just want to have the relationship that I had with him before I came back to school. I cannot control what I feel but I know that He is in control. Things have spun out of control, but they remain and I know that they are here for a reason. They may seem crazy, but I still see them as something from God. This something from God is special and I feel like i'm ruining it. oops. Grace. Grace. Grace. I'm thankful for Grace.
Oh God, hold me in your arms and lift me up. My eyes are locked onto you and I'm reaching out my hand to take Yours. I love you and need you! Be my escape rope. :)

I'm weird and crazy...

Blag

So I should be in bed right now...........oh well. I can't stand emotion. I absolutely hate being emotional. It makes me incredibly mad and disappointed with myself. I hate wanting. I hate needing. I just want to bounce out of everything and take off running. Running would be so nice. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Feelings are so troublesome. But whatever right?

Blah

So I got to have a lot of alone time today. That isn't a complaint, for it was kind of a nice change, or at least thats the story i'm sticking with. haha. I hate feeling. I hate emotion. I'm so blah because of stinking feelings. They just kind of came on me today. I do not like where things are at. I don't like tension or to be a punching bag. I have feelings too. I'm hurt too. There are so many choices and some would be so much easier but my heart is not in those choices. For some inexplicable reason i'm caught up in the difficult ones. My heart is crying. Not me, never me, but my heart. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I just want to be loved and respected, not to sound pathetic or anything. I really am fine. I'm just hurting. But then so is everyone....



And now Ihave visions haunting me..........

*cry*

I love how I do whats right, what I feel God would want, and I get penalized, yelled at, and looked down on for it. Now i'm some stupid kid who bums around or what not. I need a hug. Not to sound pathetic or anything. yea. done. help.

.....

I almost don't want to go back to Oswego. I have such selfish, conflicting emotions within me. Tears are almost overcoming me now. I do not understand myself sometimes. My heart is being so fickle. It is never this fickle, but its falling for things that are not real. Dan is receding, I feel him leaving me. Is that good? I suppose, it was a stupid thing anyways and I truly wish that I had not told a soul about his existance. Maybe I'll still have trouble with the anniversaries, maybe not. But I know that his time in my life is about over. I have no idea why. It kills me. I think. I don't know. I'm just weird. I am writing this sentence, but it will never be interpreted, for I am just an emotional blob right now. I think I like someone. For the first time in three years, seven months, and whatever I feel a prodding in my heart for another guy. I don't know why. It makes no sense and am sure that it is not true. Most likely the case is that i can't trust my emotions right now. The other night I almost kissed a friend of mine. He was looking so fine that night, it was dark, and we were so close....but thank God I resisted that temptation. I just really hope I can keep doing that until the end of summer.....he's bad news.
I really want to help people. It is an intense desire of mine. I am so hurt whenever I am unable to help someone, not for myself, but for them. Sometimes I want someone to just help me. I can be so selfish. I want to be held and told that i'm worth it, that i'm more than a confident or face. I feel selfish for even writing this, but I was told that we are supposed to express whatever we are feeling, so deal with it! :D I feel like such a contradiction and I feel like i'm forgotten. All I want is to just say exactly what is going on in my mind, how hurt I am, but alas, I fear I must remain in silence and just smile. How do you express such hurt that runs soooo deep without hurting the other person? I hate hurting people. I hate being selfish. I hate to hate.

But on a good note.....I have sooo much to be thankful for! My dunks is soooo close to accepting Christ and my jimmy is starting to join in and pray with me. I have been able to hang out with my neighbor and witness to her and her whole family and have visited my grandmother, allowing God to use me to reunite my father and his mother. It was quite the touching experience. So with all this pain, there is so much beauty; so much to be thankful for. I suppose I'll have to stand firm, remain strong, and move towards the light, towards that beauty radiating from my Rescuer......yay..

I do not want to appear to not have my own thoughts...but I read this and thought that it was very encouraging and wanted to share it! (Told you I am a contradiction.) I was reading in Deuteronomy, which is funny since I do not usually read the first half of the old testament, and came across this really cool devotional!
Hunger
Humans get hungry, and not just for food but for a whole range of desires and dreams. Hunger to have hopes fulfilled and longings answered seems to be built into us. (See, it does fit into this blog.)
Sometimes our hunger gets us into trouble, and we wish we could curb our appetites. But in Deuteronomy 8:3, you'll be surprised to learn who gives us these longings. The Lord is the one who causes us to hunger. He is the one who has put within us our desires and yearnings. At first, this seems odd. Doesn't God know that the "hungries" often get us into trouble?
God has good reasons for giving us such large appetites. He has placed within us desires and dreams in order to test us and humble us, to see what is in our heart, to see whether or not we would follow him. He causes us to hunger so that we might learn to feed on the bread of heaven, to live on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

I thought that this whole idea whas quite something. That God gives us the hungries?? That seems so weird but makes a lot of sense when thinking about it. God wants us to learn to live on Him alone. When faced with trials and temptations, do we choose to follow Him? What is in our hearts? Is it His love, His daily bread, or is it our own desires? I don't know about you, but this made me think. In this test of His, I want to come out as someone who is just eating Him up day to day and is only relying on Him. Haha. God is good. He loves us and has such great plans for us. Its that simple. We eat His bread, rely on His strength, choose His love, deny our own pointless desires, and we live. I love bread and know that His bread tastes better than any bread from this horrid world! I pray that we all will learn to fight the hungries and come through these tests trusting completely in Him and His promises. :D God, I love you hard core!

I love Jeremiah...

Last night I was hurting. I hate hurting. haha. I crawled into bed and took out my Bible, which is my usual ritual, and started reading. I read some psalms and then a little bit of Isaiah, but nothing was giving me the comfort that I sought. Then I realized where in the Bible I was and that I was only one book away from Jeremiah. Jeremiah's my man. I love that book so much and God has comforted me so often while reading it. As soon as this realization dawned I flipped right to the first chapter and started reading, taking comfort in how God chose me and that though I may be young, I know God has such great plans for me. This thought took me to Jeremiah 29:11, my life verse. God has such plans for me and I cannot wait to see them come into focus as I continually seek God more and more with all of my heart. Through this perusal of Jeremiah, I came across a really touching devotional that I wanted to share. God has just layed this on my heart so I'm going to type it all out. I really hope that it touches you too or reveals something to you. :D
An Honest Heart- Jeremiah 20
Facing disappointment with God often means sorting through a tangled knot of emotions-anger, grief, rebellion, bewilderment. Such messy scenes may be permissible with a friend or spouse or even one of our children. But God? For him, we tend to make ourselves more presentable. It's easier to paste a smile on our face and pretend. To be honest with God at the level of disappointement seems a gutsy proposition.
There is at least one example in the Bible of someone whose spiritual struggle centered around feelings of betrayal. Jeremiah, who was drafted by God into a post as a prophet in Judah, knew that the task of being God's spokesman to a rebellious nation was no dream job. He knew he would encounter the wrath of kings and the dearf ear of his countrymen. But when a fellow priest named Pashhur had Jeremiah beaten and put into stocks, Jeremiah sank to an all-time low. He did not seem to be prepared for opposition from another "servant of God."
At that point, Jeremiah's story stops and we are given audience to a profoundly personal prayer, revealing a man struggling with the unexpected circumstances God had allowed in his life. "O Lord," Jeremiah says, "you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed." Jeremiah began to pray abou this confusion. He admitted the worst of it. "I feel betrayed, let down, angry and overcome," he said. On one level, he felt deceived by God, and on another he knew he had deceived himself. He made no attemp to sort it all out-he simply brought the whole tangled mess to the Lord. He counted on the strength of one whou could bear the weight of such honesty.
Gathering the courage to be honest, to stop running and hiding and pretending brings tremendous feedom. We come emptyhanded to the Lord, carrying nothing but an open heart, and God takes that honesty and transforms it into a kind of saving grace.

Jeremiah was beaten and thrown into prison for saying what God told him to say. Pashhur and Jeremiah were part of the same body and yet Pashhur had him thrown into the stocks and had him beaten. Sometimes it is the body that hurts us the most. That is why it is so important for us to listen to one another and ultimately to God. Things are not always easy for us, but we need to be honest with God about every feeling we are experiencing. Though He knows what is going on in our heads, it helps for Him to HEAR IT FROM US. We need to unload all of our feelings to Him, even if they are negatively about Him. God is truly our only saving grace. So lets be honest to Him and give it all up to "the healer of all the hurt we hold inside.".... :D

p.s. Lets not be Pashhurs.............

p.s.s I love God!

Blogger

Life is life. I am accepting this simple statement. Everything around us happens for a reason. Every breath breathed is a chance to change something; to allow God to form us into who we are to be. The thought that every breath I take and breathe back out can be used to change this horrid world excites me! I want to change the world. I want to help those around me. I want to be a light in the darkness; a small candle burning at the end of a long tunnel, showing the way out. I want more than anything to be used by God and if this passion is not shared by many, then more people should examine their hearts. We are God's instruments. I don't know about you, but God has changed me completely and has saved me from a horrid ending. With Him I will have my happily ever after. I was reading in the Psalms the other day and was brought into a wowsers moment. I love the Psalms. Whenever I feel down I just read them until I get something out of it and start to feel better. This particular Psalm made me feel incredibly guilty about how I was living my life. Lately I have been living my life for myself. Going throughout each day simply existing and focusing entirely on myself. Whenever I hung out with friends I just focused on having fun. I want them saved so bad but I can't get over myself enough to do anything about it. This realization stopped me in my tracks and I cried out to God. If I want things to change I need to start breathing in truth and do something. I've wasted so much time, but thankfully God created time and can redeem it! I am going to try my hardest to start doing what I feel I ought to do! Its time to breathe to live and not to just exist comfortably!

Argh

Argh. I like that sound/word/expression/whatever. It describes my life right now. Argh. Just becuase you are mad at me does not give you a right to think you can hit me. It doesn't. If I make you mad, suck it up and be a man! I pray that I may go through the rest of my life without someone raising their hand to strike me. Do people even realize what it does to a person? Yes this post seems confusing, but i'm just going to keep talking like this because I am venting. I feel like secluding myself because the stories about my summer are not really happy. I don't like saying unhappy things so maybe I should just stop talking to people. Someone rescue me! I need a knight in shining armor again. I'm sick of having to fear. Of being reduced to a crying pathetic piece of human flesh. I can't go through a second abuse. Not again. I know that I could not make it through again. But I suppose i'm finding out that I can. I am a strong person. I have to be. That strength is being tested again and by the grace of God am I going to make it through. I trust Him. Maybe there is a reason i'm going through this again. I am just so afraid of reverting back. Of being that scared little girl who withdraws from people. I don't want to be in that dark whole again. This may sound incredibly whiny, but whatever. Deal with it. God is my refuge. An everpresent help in times of trouble. He is all I have. I am so thankful for having Him as my Father. I guess i'm just going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just fall into His embrace....

Ho hum by mind is a bum....

For once I would like to actually a keep a pastor that means a lot to me. I had an incredible pastor when I was a child, but he left my life suddenly with the blast of a gun. He committed suicide after having an affair with his secretary. I honestly have not accepted that fact. Not the affair part, but him committing suicide. He was an incredible man, and obviously he had his flaws and sins, but he was a man with his heart set on God. He was a very singnificant part of my life and I still miss him dearly. I cried so hard that night when I found out. I think his wife murdered him out of jealousy and anger. But that is only a suspicion, though there is evidence that supports it, and not the focul point of this blog. This is: my pastor is leaving. Another one that meant so much to me running off into a place that I cannot follow. Isn't that sad? Though in this case, he isn't dying, just moving on to a church that he feels called to. Which I don't doubt at all and do feel a peace, if not incredible sadness, about him leaving. Its just that he has helped me so much in overcoming a lot of the pain in my life. Deciding to meet with him last year helped me so much to overcome my intense hatred for certain individuals in my life. He helped me realize that I had to love and that love cast out all fear and overcomes the darkness. My world, so ofter shrouded in thick darkness needed that guidance to accept the love of hope, in order to pierce through the despair in a blinding shaft of brilliance that has set me free. I am free of hate and wish to bask in this freedom forever. Hatred is a retarded business that only hurts the person participating in it. It is not worth the bondage. Grasp onto hope. As my pastor said today, hope is never meaningless or useless. Hope shines like a beacon. It is the light that draws us out of the darkness. The grasping of enlightment. The worthiness of each individual calling. Hope is our fire to fight off the cold. Our shelter to protect against the rains. It is our battle sword against the enemy's attacks. Hope gives us meaning to breathe. We breath in the light and inhale the goodness. As we are breathing, the first light of the dawn that had been slipping across the sky, lights up the world in bursts of righteousness. Hope is never meaningless or useless. It is truly a gift from God. His light wrapped up into an intense feeling. Hold onto that crazy intense flame. Hold on to hope. Don't let the darkness in. Dwell in the light. Dwell in hope!

Goodbye dear pastors.........:( Thanks for the life lessons! (And I hope pastor M, that you are not burning in Hell right now, but that I may see you again in heaven.) GOD BLESS!

So I started, why not Just do another one......

Love Stinks. Did you know that? IT.....STINKS.......SO.......MUCH! Love is an amazing thing. Did you know that? IT.........IS..........SO........AMAZING. Confusing? Welcome to the wonderful world of.....me! :) Sometimes my heart hurts so much that it becomes a physical ache. I just want to reach inside, grab it, and yank it out to save me from the torture of feeling. It has been sooooo long since I have liked someone for real. I have had playful little distractions along the way to ease that consistent ache, but they never truly distract, only cause more pain. I would never say out loud that I am in love, because that is stupid. Plainly put, it is only my own foolishness, but it still bothers me so I am writing this, since that was what I was told this is for......
Love is consuming. Once you take a hold of that little candle, where the flicker is small, contained, and simply pleasant, you are taking hold of something that has the potential to sear you. This flicker flames into an intense blaze that overtakes everything, chaning your life forever. I'm not one who enjoys playing with fire seriously. Its fun to touch the flame for an instant, before retreating to safety. Sticking yourself completely in the flame seems foolish and way too scary to comprehend. I love flirting. It is fun and very enjoyable. Honestly, I do not mean to do it. It just happens. My subconscious takes over and all the hurt within me tries to soothe itself through flippant talk. Sometimes I try to like someone just to rid myself of the pain. I want to smother the memories of the one person who made me feel like I was pretty enough to be worth something. That I was me and that it was okay. That no matter who was around, it would always be just me. I was that important. I have never seen such eyes since, filled with everything that I have dreamed and longed for like a princess trapped in a tower longs for her prince charming. I had a prince charming. He was everything I dreamed of and more. Is this just stupid? Yea, probably, but I do not care what other people think on this subject. He was more special than words can ever describe. God sent him to me to set me free from my dark world. God used him to save me from all the demons slashing me with their sharp talons, gnashing at my knees, forcing me to the ground where the dirt clings to me, leaving me dirty and ashamed. That life is over now. I am clean and saved. Sanctified through blood and love. Jesus saved me and I am forever thankful. Though I hate the pain I feel from the one He used to save me, I will never regret meeting him. I will never forget him, his words, or his touch. They are seared to my memory like a burn from a hot iron. The scar will forever remain. I suppose it is a good thing that I like scars.......So love stinks. Pain is horrendous. But the setting free is priceless.....and love cannot be ignored or forgotten. No matter what.

Cherry Cobbler Yogurt is just not THAT exciting....

Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I did not play chicken. Chickens....hmmmm....their lives seem so simplistic: to walk around the farm, pecking at the dirt, clucking at their friends, sleeping in the hay, and just living. Humans often are quite the reverse. We tend to exist. Living is a foreign concept that is overlooked often. Existing is simply easier. We do not have to think about the consquences nor do we have to go out of our way for anything. Sure the life of a chicken does not seem that exciting, but at least they are who they are. So many times we imitate them, hiding in the background until things straighten out or become safe. To leave the farm is too terrifying and to meet the other farm animals seems useless. In this way, we become entrapped, stuck in a cage, losing the desire for anything different, even if that different is better. I am sick of being entrapped, of playing it safe. NO MORE! IT IS STUPID! I gave my best friend The Shack today and was too scared to tell her it was about God. I was afraid if she knew beforehand then she would not read it at all. So now I am terrified of her reaction. I can only pray that she continues reading it and that it will touch her heart deeply. Also, I am realizing that I hide from my family. I become a quiet, timid, and guarded sort at home. I do not think that this is a good thing. NOPE. NADA. NO. I want to set the World on fire, but what good is setting the World on fire if my own home remains in darkness? STUPID. WORTHLESS. FOOLISH. It is time to stop being a little chicken, pecking around the garden, doing anything but what I NEED to be doing. NEED. MUST. IMPERATAVE.
So come on chicks, let us take flight!!!!! This barnyard needs to be cleaned and organized. Cages are stupid and restricting. Lets start flying. I really thing it will be easier and more free in the long run.....:)
And it has been a loooooooooong time since I wrote a blog and this is really weird, but whatever, i'm Kdee....deal with it!

JK? Sure!

Last night, as I was doing my Bible Study, I realized that I am not following my ABC's of Love. I am not Accepting with love, Bearing the Cross, or the last one, whatever that is. :) oops! I think I need to just accept everything and not dwell on it, bearing the pain and baring it to God and God alone. He is amazing and my love for Him runs deep. He is my everything and I shudder to think of my life without His hands on my shoulders. The high places is what my eyes rest longingly on. I want them so BADLY! I know that I just have to shake the old mind set forever and to just take God's hand, allowing sorrow and suffering to lift me, and rise up abandoned. I LOVE JESUS! yay

GRRRRR WITH OLD SELVES!

I feel so stupid for writing this right now, but today is an emotional day for me and I seriously have no idea why. I am done with thinking into things too much and I am SICK of it! I am sick of thinking with my old mind set. I thought I was done with that, but today is a bad day. I just feel like getting a hug from everyone around me, yet I truly believe that they would only give one out of pity. I am stupid. Plain and simple. I am sitting here upset at stupid things instead of writing a reflection paper. That is stupid. My mind set is stupid. My......bodily functions......are stupid, as is my random sprained wrist! So, yeah, I am not the happy dappy little camper today. Is it so bad to want to be loved? I don't know what to do with myself. I want to just separate from everyone until I gain some intelligence. Maybe I am just tired and should not be writing any of this........no sé. Sometimes I wonder if people really know me as well as they think. And if they do know me THAT well, then I should back down, cuz that is scary! Life was easier when I was the stranger and kept aloof. Why does God want me to be so open? I tell people the stupidest things and I need to keep my big, fat, stupid mouth closed!! What is wrong with me?! I am sick of people thinking of me as just the silly little youngin, who we can just disregard, ignore, or grow annoyed with at a moment's notice. Gahrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

But oh well, I am probaly just emotional and wanted to write so if anyone is reading this, and I am sure Ryan is, disregard all of the above for I AM FINE. I can smile and laugh like everyone else and wil pop back into shape in no time. :) See! A smile already!

I just like

I like a lot of people. Its simply just what I do. There stands a person, emanuating coolness and I like them. But then I get so jealous of some of those people. It seems like there is always someone in the group that I have to be jealous of because they are prettier, thinner, smarter, more coherent, or just get more attention. I feel so selfish, but I feel like I am inferior. I know this to be a lie from Satan, but if there is only one spot left I will usually be the first to step back and offer it up to someone else because, well most times it is because I am simply nice and care about them, sometimes I feel like everyone would be happier with the other person. I exist. Being delivered from so many things and struggling through others, things some people do not even know or could even fathom, I am truly grateful and realize how precious things are, but I am just dense a lot of times. I feel unloved to the point of seclusion. I feel like I always have to give an out so the person I am inviting will not have to deal with my horrible presense. Sometimes I am just messed up. Why? I could blame my past. I could blame it on my personality or my looks. I could just say that is how things are. Consequently, I know differently. It is my own fault that I feel this way. I can just accept things or I can ignore love. It seems like most times I really do just ignore love. Sad when I am searching for it so desparately.
When I was younger, I relied fully on God. He was my everything and I relied solely on Him. That was it. I cut everything out of my life, did not trust another human being, just relied on God. It was fantastic for years, well it would have been if I had not been weighed down by so much junk, but it was great! Now I actually kind of trust people. I feel. That is a drastic change in my life. Feeling is not something I am used to, yet that is what I am experiencing. I feel so inept at times talking to people, worrying that I will not say the right things. It weighs on me. I actually care about what is going on with the people around me. I did care deeply before, do not get me wrong, but now I can actually FEEL it in my heart. Its weird. I'm afraid, utterly scared and deeply pertified. And yet I am rejoicing. I CAN FEEL. I thought that ability was lost to me, leaving me a shell, stumbling around looking for some love. I am grateful to feel again, though lately I have been slipping into old habits, drawing into myself. That scares me. I do not want to go back into that hollow shell. I love the fresh air, the freedom to move. I cannot go back. God is my shelter and I need to stand firm, tall, always looking out over the horizon, watching the sunset. I need Him like I need the air. I need wings..................to soar out from under this smog. This hope I hold on to tightly. These needs I hold firmly within my heart. With bloody hands, I hold the broken reflection up to my Father while the tears role silently down my cheeks. It is all here within this person who exists on the outside, watching what the inside will do.

Darkness never stays for long thank God!

I never thought that I would ever write a blog, but...well....here goes. I hope this is not taken as a sign of conforming or just a way to complain, but I have a deep, embedded love of writing and it has always been a great way for me to express myself.

The memories of what happened, what occured seem to be plaguing me lately. Each direction I turn, I am faced with a wall of pain. Deep rooted, it entangles itself within my heart, wrapping around it like a vice. Dormant, I wait for the pain to move one, but what if it never does. How long must a person endure pain? Why are the memories always waiting to rise up and haunt me? Sometimes it is my greatest wish to be normal; to have come from a normal household, with normal innocence, with normal expectations of people. Normalcy has never been the case with me. When I look into a person's eyes, I often wonder if they can see the scars marring my heart; if they smell the parts of me that had died before being reborn; if they can hear the raw pain that is laced within my voice often at times; if they knew what I had become to get away from it all; what I did. The shack conversation bothered me deeply. Briinging up unwanted memories, fears, and evil thoughts. In many ways I had been like Mack, wanting to end a person's life to save the people around me. I did not perform such an action, but often would I think long and hard on it. Wanting desperately to take action against the evil that lurked in my home as a child.
Last night was not a good night for me and today has been very....dull at best. Not the uninterested dull, but rather the emotional dull. I stay within a sea of souls and conversations, holding my own thoughts and emotions in check, clasping them close to my chest. But I have become very, very tired. I have a problem that plagues me. I know this. Having rid myself of it, it hurts to think that it is trying to come back, even now, this very moment while I am writing, it is plaguing me, whispering lies into my head. It wants me back. Tentacles of control wrap around my mind, closing around it, trying to take me under, into its lair of fear, pain, and deception once again. But I know that there is a force within me that is greater than this pathetic, satanic squid, beckoning me into the depths of myself. That force is Jesus Christ. I feel Him now as well, whispering His love into my heart, skipping my deceiving mind altogther, knowing that it deceives me often and meeting me where I am. I love Him, pure and simple. I may be at a low, but He never falls, nor even stoops, but remains stoic, ready to take my pain and fear onto His sturdy shoulders. My prayer to God is for love; enduring, lasting, and powerful. I know that it is all ready answered before it leaves my lips, heralding a sigh. God is amazing and I am one thankful gal. He never gives us more than we can handle and rejoices in giving us strength to stand firm. He is ALMIGHTY. Meaning that He IS all (everything we need or could ever imagine needing) and is mighty (strong enough to save us from ourselves). Pure and simple, God is good.