I'm a dumb.

I've made a lot of mistakes. I feel so stupid and to fix the mistakes I want to do something dangerous. Oh so dangerous. It'd be the dumbest mistake of all. Even giving life to it has made me feel dumb. But its plumply sitting there begging me on........I pray that I'll resist this temptation. That I won't fall. That I won't get burned again. That it won't make me feel better and that I let God be the only one to lift me up and out.

I will lift my eyes.
Get thee behind me Satan.


I wish I could write down everything that has happened in this situation, but I can't or you'll all see my stupidity... and want me to do something I don't want to do........


....and with that...pray for my protection. Please.

hmmmmmmm.

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON. DANGER DANGER KDEE LUKE!!!

So I was reading in Colossians 1 and it said that the gospel has been preached to all creatures under heaven. This made me think that animals must witness to each other and go to heaven! I believe animals go to heaven. The animals can show fruits too: whether they are kind and gentle, or mean and hurtful. Maybe they go around witnessing to other animals. Like Tiger could witness to the cats in the neighborhood! I think its a cool thought and to me is biblical. :)


I'm trying not to be disappointed with some of my christian friends. It seems that the ones who have been a christian their whole lives are not to fond of prayer walking because its weird, uncomfortable, and they don't understand it, while the new believers are crazy exited with it. Steph loved it and is looking forward to the next one. Today we were talking about the power of prayer over coffee and her first experience with the Holy Spirit! It was amazing!!! I love that girl. I'm so thankful for what God is doing in her life and am soooo proud of her. She is pumped for the BASIC conference. :) Wowsers!

God is AMAZING!

I should be checking my grades like everyone else right now...but I don't want that to rain on my good day parade...so that can wait!!!!


I'm having a prayer walk in Horseheads tonight!!! I'm so excited and people are coming that i haven't talked to in years. I'm following what He has pressed on my heart and already i'm surprised and blessed beyond belief and it hasn't even happened yet!!! Wow!!! I'm praying it will be a weekly thing and will expand to even more than that. I'm going to announce it to my church Sunday. I am aiming to shake things up in that church. Its become complacent and has fallen into a stage of comfortableness. Not going to happen in my church baby!! I'm going to pray about it, then i'm going to talk to Pastor Bob and tell him some undergoings in the church and am going to propose the idea of sending our juniors, seniors, and college kids to the BASIC conference next semester. Its time for things to change and i'm going to be at the forefront pushing it. I had an amazing talk with my mentor today and we're on the same page. I got the happy chance of encouraging her in God too. It seems old temptations have come up with her son being charged with gang assault and possession of drugs. So she's having a hard time and needs a lot of prayer. I'm going to encourage her and watch her granddaughter whenever I can and want to meet with her periodically this summer. I've gone from sitting around to incredibly busy with the spirit pressing on my heart so strongly. Its not just about wanting to change things anymore, its about NEEDING to change things or i'll go crazy!!

Please pray that the prayer walks go well! My best friend is coming tonight and i'm praying that it'll shake her world!!! wowsers! I also am trying to stand firm against the enemy with every breath within me by holding onto His loving arms. I have no strength on my own, but this Father of mine is a pretty powerful guy, so I think I'm good. ;) YAY for Jesus!

My knees hurt like my heart.

My heart is feeling a lot like my knees right now, worn and swollen, stuck to keep going and to just deal even when they want to sit down and rest.....

Seems like i'm putting much more money into this apartment thing then I'll be saving...but i'm sure it just feels that way now........I have faith that by the end of next year I will be sooo happy that we did it. :)

I love my best friends soooo much. I feel like our relationships are at a weird place right now, though. Emily doesn't confide in me like she used to...though I just got back, so i'm sure we'll bounce back. She's changed so much. She's not the jimmy i've known and loved for years. I'm the one friend thats stuck by her no matter what and it seems that its always me going out of my way for her and only hanging out with her when its convenient for her. Blah. Oh wells. I'm hoping that our relationship will return and that we can talk about God like we used to. I'm really praying that this summer she comes to God, that she falls completely into His waiting arms. Its time to step up and gather some believers that live around and pray our hearts out. My heart hurts too much holding it in.

Steph. Boy do I love that girl. If there's is one friend who has stuck by me and has been willing to kick butt to just protect my name, its her. This summer she moved into an apartment with her boyfriend. She gave her life to Christ but I see her slipping away. I'm crying even now thinking about it. I hurt so badly for her and feel like I'm failing her. I've told her a thousand times what the Bible says, and though its something that needs to be convicted of from the heart, I can't understand why she won't listen. She knows its wrong and feels guilty about it, and I can understand having a hard time stopping certain things after doing certain things for so long, but to move in where there is an absolute guarantee that those things won't stop? Its......i can't even describe it with words. I just cry. I'm going to step up my prayer with her too. Man, so much healing is needed.

My brother is also getting to that bad place again..........very worrisome.........

God, I see the hurt around me, so evident and clear. I see all the tears that are falling, so broken and filled with fear. I want to see them lifting up your name, letting go of all their shame. I want to fight for you in their lives. I want to see them break free from the devil's lies. Oh God, hear our cry. You gave your son to die. Let them come to you this summer. Wash them clean to live for you forever. Amen.

Bo bo little sheep meep!

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllbbbbbbbbbbbbb.
Usually when I come home, I can settle into a nice routine and relax. I don't ever get bored and I am very at ease. This time, not so much. My heart is constantly not at ease. I want to do something for my community for the friends around me. Its only been three days and i'm going crazy at the idea of not changing things and just being complacent. So many people around me need God so badly. I want to see Emily and Steph living for God with everything they have within them. I want to see my church growing every week. I want to see peace come into my home. I prayed tonight with my mom and it was so good. That woman has a passion within her for Him that many people underestimate. She is such an amazing woman and it felt good to pray with her. I want to have my old Brian back. It breaks my heart at what he's become and it is very hard not to severely dislike the boys at church for playing such a negative role in his life. Argh. I have sooo much I want to do and i'm praying hard core against laziness. I don't want to stop longing for Him with my every breath. I want Him to be in every aspect of my thinking. He has unlocked something within me and I want to see what it will become. There is soooo much to do and I need to start doing it! I already sent out an email to one of my friends and i'm planning on starting a Bible study in my home with em, steph, and some others every week. Surrounding them with Christians may be the best thing for them to grow and connect with Him. I also want to start prayer walking around Horseheads! I'm a little scared, but I want to try to involve my church. I just can't sit any longer and not try to change things! I wish I could describe what's going on inside of me right now, but its too difficult!!! Ah!

Oh my Jim.

I was stalking my Jims and got incredibly sad. She has definitely become a party girl. I feel like I put so much into the relationship and am always going out of my way to hang out. She's never made a birthday party or actually any party in fact unless it was a drop by for food then running out with other people. I love her though. She is my best friend, but sometimes its a little hard not to be sad. I'm not someone who gives up on people. When it comes to friendship, I'm about as loyal as you can get. I'll never walk out of the relationship no matter how horrible i'm treated. Thats just me. I don't ever expect anything from people. I just don't cuz then I don't have to worry about disappointment. I'm not sure why I went on a rant but there it is. She was soooo close to being saved and then she gets sooo far then displays interest in God again, then goes crazy. I want her saved so badly it just makes me cry. :(
My main mission this summer is again for Steph and Em. I feel called to stay home with them. They need Him so badly and are so close. Its driving me insane!!! Ugh. Thats a common theme though. I lost someone else who was so close and it really affects me. Every time I see him I hurt so bad and just want to cry. I miss him. Not because I liked him, because honestly I didn't at all, but we were getting so close. He was becoming a very dear friend, someone I could really confide in and lean on and he felt the same way. He was just a dumb boy who should have left his feelings at the doorstep. I know thats not fair, but it just complicated things. I'm not proud of how I let him go and what I let come between us and who I chose over him, making me lose him. All of it makes me so, so sad, especially when I see that he's moved on. I guess I didn't mean that much to him and its a one sided feeling of loss. :( I've been thinking about writing him a facebook message but feel like its too late. Too late. Too late. It makes me want to cry. Oh well. I guess we all lose friends.

Well.....I've pretty much fallen in love..............with Jason Derulo's "The sky is the limit." Yeah. Good stuff.