I just like

I like a lot of people. Its simply just what I do. There stands a person, emanuating coolness and I like them. But then I get so jealous of some of those people. It seems like there is always someone in the group that I have to be jealous of because they are prettier, thinner, smarter, more coherent, or just get more attention. I feel so selfish, but I feel like I am inferior. I know this to be a lie from Satan, but if there is only one spot left I will usually be the first to step back and offer it up to someone else because, well most times it is because I am simply nice and care about them, sometimes I feel like everyone would be happier with the other person. I exist. Being delivered from so many things and struggling through others, things some people do not even know or could even fathom, I am truly grateful and realize how precious things are, but I am just dense a lot of times. I feel unloved to the point of seclusion. I feel like I always have to give an out so the person I am inviting will not have to deal with my horrible presense. Sometimes I am just messed up. Why? I could blame my past. I could blame it on my personality or my looks. I could just say that is how things are. Consequently, I know differently. It is my own fault that I feel this way. I can just accept things or I can ignore love. It seems like most times I really do just ignore love. Sad when I am searching for it so desparately.
When I was younger, I relied fully on God. He was my everything and I relied solely on Him. That was it. I cut everything out of my life, did not trust another human being, just relied on God. It was fantastic for years, well it would have been if I had not been weighed down by so much junk, but it was great! Now I actually kind of trust people. I feel. That is a drastic change in my life. Feeling is not something I am used to, yet that is what I am experiencing. I feel so inept at times talking to people, worrying that I will not say the right things. It weighs on me. I actually care about what is going on with the people around me. I did care deeply before, do not get me wrong, but now I can actually FEEL it in my heart. Its weird. I'm afraid, utterly scared and deeply pertified. And yet I am rejoicing. I CAN FEEL. I thought that ability was lost to me, leaving me a shell, stumbling around looking for some love. I am grateful to feel again, though lately I have been slipping into old habits, drawing into myself. That scares me. I do not want to go back into that hollow shell. I love the fresh air, the freedom to move. I cannot go back. God is my shelter and I need to stand firm, tall, always looking out over the horizon, watching the sunset. I need Him like I need the air. I need wings..................to soar out from under this smog. This hope I hold on to tightly. These needs I hold firmly within my heart. With bloody hands, I hold the broken reflection up to my Father while the tears role silently down my cheeks. It is all here within this person who exists on the outside, watching what the inside will do.