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I almost don't want to go back to Oswego. I have such selfish, conflicting emotions within me. Tears are almost overcoming me now. I do not understand myself sometimes. My heart is being so fickle. It is never this fickle, but its falling for things that are not real. Dan is receding, I feel him leaving me. Is that good? I suppose, it was a stupid thing anyways and I truly wish that I had not told a soul about his existance. Maybe I'll still have trouble with the anniversaries, maybe not. But I know that his time in my life is about over. I have no idea why. It kills me. I think. I don't know. I'm just weird. I am writing this sentence, but it will never be interpreted, for I am just an emotional blob right now. I think I like someone. For the first time in three years, seven months, and whatever I feel a prodding in my heart for another guy. I don't know why. It makes no sense and am sure that it is not true. Most likely the case is that i can't trust my emotions right now. The other night I almost kissed a friend of mine. He was looking so fine that night, it was dark, and we were so close....but thank God I resisted that temptation. I just really hope I can keep doing that until the end of summer.....he's bad news.
I really want to help people. It is an intense desire of mine. I am so hurt whenever I am unable to help someone, not for myself, but for them. Sometimes I want someone to just help me. I can be so selfish. I want to be held and told that i'm worth it, that i'm more than a confident or face. I feel selfish for even writing this, but I was told that we are supposed to express whatever we are feeling, so deal with it! :D I feel like such a contradiction and I feel like i'm forgotten. All I want is to just say exactly what is going on in my mind, how hurt I am, but alas, I fear I must remain in silence and just smile. How do you express such hurt that runs soooo deep without hurting the other person? I hate hurting people. I hate being selfish. I hate to hate.

But on a good note.....I have sooo much to be thankful for! My dunks is soooo close to accepting Christ and my jimmy is starting to join in and pray with me. I have been able to hang out with my neighbor and witness to her and her whole family and have visited my grandmother, allowing God to use me to reunite my father and his mother. It was quite the touching experience. So with all this pain, there is so much beauty; so much to be thankful for. I suppose I'll have to stand firm, remain strong, and move towards the light, towards that beauty radiating from my Rescuer......yay..

I do not want to appear to not have my own thoughts...but I read this and thought that it was very encouraging and wanted to share it! (Told you I am a contradiction.) I was reading in Deuteronomy, which is funny since I do not usually read the first half of the old testament, and came across this really cool devotional!
Hunger
Humans get hungry, and not just for food but for a whole range of desires and dreams. Hunger to have hopes fulfilled and longings answered seems to be built into us. (See, it does fit into this blog.)
Sometimes our hunger gets us into trouble, and we wish we could curb our appetites. But in Deuteronomy 8:3, you'll be surprised to learn who gives us these longings. The Lord is the one who causes us to hunger. He is the one who has put within us our desires and yearnings. At first, this seems odd. Doesn't God know that the "hungries" often get us into trouble?
God has good reasons for giving us such large appetites. He has placed within us desires and dreams in order to test us and humble us, to see what is in our heart, to see whether or not we would follow him. He causes us to hunger so that we might learn to feed on the bread of heaven, to live on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

I thought that this whole idea whas quite something. That God gives us the hungries?? That seems so weird but makes a lot of sense when thinking about it. God wants us to learn to live on Him alone. When faced with trials and temptations, do we choose to follow Him? What is in our hearts? Is it His love, His daily bread, or is it our own desires? I don't know about you, but this made me think. In this test of His, I want to come out as someone who is just eating Him up day to day and is only relying on Him. Haha. God is good. He loves us and has such great plans for us. Its that simple. We eat His bread, rely on His strength, choose His love, deny our own pointless desires, and we live. I love bread and know that His bread tastes better than any bread from this horrid world! I pray that we all will learn to fight the hungries and come through these tests trusting completely in Him and His promises. :D God, I love you hard core!